Staying Home Instead
Caring for a Parent
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 18 No. 1, January-February 2001, pp. 20-22
We provide articles from our publications from previous years for reference for our Leaders and members. Readers are cautioned to remember that research and medical information change over time.
"Staying Home Instead" is
a regular feature of the magazine NEW BEGINNINGS, published bimonthly
by La Leche League International. In this column, suggestions are offered
by readers of NEW BEGINNINGS to help parents who choose to stay at home
with their children. Various points of view are presented. Not all of
the information may be pertinent to your family's life-style. This information
is general in nature, and not intended to be advice, medical or otherwise.
Situation
Because all my siblings
work full time and I don't, I was drafted to care for our elderly, infirm
father in our home. On one hand, it's great for my children to have
their grandfather, but because he's ill, I have to spend a fair amount
of time caring for him, driving him to doctor's visits, and doing other
chores. I want to make my father's remaining time happy, but I'm beginning
to feel the strain of caring for a parent, a baby, and a preschooler.
I'm afraid my stress level is beginning to affect my husband and children.
How have others managed to live with a sick parent and still maintain
a positive attitude?
Response
Congratulations on the special
love you share during this challenging time. When my daughter, Veronika,
was ten months old, my mother's parents, both in their 80's, came to
live with us in the home we bought together. I remember the time being
difficult. I was caring for an infant, a grandfather, and a sickly grandmother
who was unhappy due to her lack of independence, and all of us had moved
into a brand new home. I was running my small home-based business and
trying to make us all one family. One thing that worked for us was breastfeeding!
It was so convenient everywhere we went, and since my daughter's health
was excellent due to the protective effects of human milk, I did not
have to worry about her.
It also helped to schedule
doctor's appointments or other car trips in the
morning when everyone was fresh, and pacing the scheduling, such as
one appointment per week, or a day off in between. We combined trips
when possible. For example, if one person needed a dental cleaning,
I tried to schedule appointments for someone else at the same time.
We would usually go out to lunch after the appointment to ease the burden
of cooking.
Every day we would schedule
a "siesta" time for one to two hours after lunch where the
entire household quieted down by napping, reading, or just relaxing.
My grandparents cherished
having their own space. When they moved in with us, we all bought a
new house together. We purposefully chose a two-level home so my grandparents
could have their own room and bathroom, as well as complete access to
the common rooms. The linoleum floor made wheelchair accessibility possible.
The rest of the family primarily slept and worked upstairs.
My extended family provided
help, such as coming over to wash my grandparents' clothes, cleaning
their bathroom, or taking them clothes shopping. Timesaving services
can help a lot. Use a grocery service to deliver to your home (this
also avoids candy wars in the checkout line). Order gifts and do household
shopping via Internet sites or catalogue. Medications or prescriptions
may be ordered by phone, either through your doctor's office, or on
the Internet. Request forms by mail. Health histories can be filled
out at home; to avoid time spent in the doctor's office. Postage stamps
can be ordered by mail. Hiring services, such as someone to cut your
grass, can be helpful. A large wall calendar will help everyone to know
when appointments and special events are scheduled.
Let those in your care, both
young and old, help with daily chores in any way they can, as a form
of physical and mental therapy by folding laundry, folding clean towels,
taking out the trash, or unloading the dishwasher. This can often turn
into a bonding and learning experience for your whole family. It is
also important for the elderly to know they are needed and good for
the young ones to learn the value of helping out.
Consider a transportation
service. Some are available free or at low cost to people with certain
illnesses and may take them all over your area. With this special kind
of attention, my grandparents received the best of care.
My grandparents' presence
in our home enabled my daughter to learn about our family. Our familys
native language was spoken every day in our home, so that my child learned
it first. My daughter still remembers the stories and art time she had
with her greatgrandmother, who died this year. And my grandfather will
celebrate his 90th birthday next year.
Angela Budreika
San Diego CA USA
Response
Three years ago, I found
myself in a situation similar to yours. It can be very stressful caring
for young children and parents at the same time. My children were nine,
six, and two when we made the decision to care for my mother-in-law (a
stroke survivor) in our home. We ended up caring for her for two and a half
years, until her death. I found it very hard at times to keep a positive
attitude and to avoid feeling overwhelmed by the situation.
One thing I did was to seek
out people I felt I could talk about my feelings with; my husband was
great as well as other friends. I also found a support group for caregivers
which helped me learn about resources available within my community.
In addition, I tried to read books on caregiving to help me understand
my feelings as well as to gain information about the elderly. I found
You and Your Aging Parent, The Practical Side of Love by Jill
A. Boughton to be helpful because it included a section on caring for
an elderly parent with children in the home.
We also found sometimes we
had to be very firm with my husband's siblings in insisting that they
come visit or "house-sit" my mother-in-law for a weekend so
we could go out of town. I also learned as time went on which activities
I could handle and which I could not. For example, shopping with Grandma
and an impatient toddler would end in disaster, so we did shopping on
weekends when my husband was home and could watch our toddler. I could
handle a walk around the block or a short trip to a nearby zoo with
Grandma in a wheelchair and my toddler on her lap. My children still
have good memories of playing "telephone" around the dining
room table with Grandma included.
I also tried to treat myself
to a getaway activity once in a while. Since my two-year-old still nursed
and did not like long separations, I found that a one-hour massage rejuvenated
me and fit our schedule. At times, it was very difficult and I just
had to remind myself that my children were learning valuable lessons
in how to care for others and gaining warm memories with their grandmother.
Gail deSomer
South Bend IN USA
Response
Just because you are an at-home
mother, it doesn't mean you aren't busy or that you should necessarily
be the only one responsible for caring for your father! Make sure your
siblings know how you feel and how you want them to help. Could your
siblings pay for a caregiver for your father in your absence? If that
isn't possible, you might call your local social services and see what
is available.
If you are involved in a
church or synagogue, you might call and ask if there are any volunteers
who can help you by preparing meals, providing transportation to doctor
appointments, or just visiting with Dad while you take your children
to the park or go out on a date with your husband. Next time someone
offers to help, tell him or her exacoy what you need done. I think that
you will find that people want to do something to help.
Schedule time for yourself,
eat right, and get adequate rest. Remember that your family is depending
on you! This is not a good time to be worn down and sick! Lastly, don't
forget your husband during this trying time. The emotional and physical
care you are giving to your parent, while you are also trying to keep
up with a baby and preschooler can leave your husband a distant last
place finisher! Even if a date is out of the question, make time to
talk to each other in a quiet place.
Frances Coss
Frederick MD USA
Response
Remember, you do have a full-time
job: caring for your family. Although your siblings are not able to
contribute their time to your father's care, perhaps they could contribute
money to ensure you have private time with your family. By having someone
to care for him for short periods of time, you will be able to use that
time to tend to your personal needs and those of your children and husband.
Home care companies offer personal care assistance, help running errands,
transportation to doctor's appointments, and light housekeeping services.
Also, check with any local government agencies on aging or your father's
physician to see if your father is eligible for home care services under
government subsidies or private health insurance coverage.
Colette Gatchell
Harpswell ME USA
Last updated Thursday, October 19, 2006 by njb.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:30:17 UTC 2007.
