Not Just the
Two of Us
By Alexis Harley
Brooklyn NY USA
From NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 18 No. 1, January-February 2001, pp. 9-10
The March-April, 1999, issue
of NEW BEGINNINGS began with a discussion of one of the most important
benefits LLL has to offer: company. As a single, working, nursing mother
of a 17-month-old, I can't stress enough how often the company, insight,
and advice of other nursing mothers have preserved my sanity. With the
exception of articles specifically dealing with the topics of divorce,
death, or marital discord, most quality parenting publications address
issues from within the context of the traditional family. They assume
the existence of a father and other siblings who are willing and able
to participate and help. Discussions of whether or not to stay at home
obviously assume a second income; testimonials from nursing mothers
who do work outside the home praise the understanding and support of
spouses. So what's a single mother of an infant to do when she is quite
literally the only one who can soothe her child? In part, the answer
for me has been to seek the company of other breastfeeding mothers and
to listen to their experiences. What they have to share is often applicable
even to a nontraditional home life.
I was four months pregnant
when I became single. With the limitless encouragement and support of
my mother (to whom I could never express enough gratitude), I made it
through pregnancy and birth. I knew all along that I wanted to breastfeed,
and when I put my minutes-old daughter, Nikki, to my breast, she latched
on and sucked instantly. We had no major obstacles in our breastfeeding
relationship except for the fact that Nikki refused to take any fluids
except my milk-and only directly from me. When she was five months old
and I had used up all maternity leave time available to me, I returned
to work. My company's policies support flexible schedules and it was
agreed that I would work two three days from home. On the days I was
at work, my mother watched my daughter and I pumped my milk. Although
she had taken bottles of pumped breast milk before, Nikki now refused
them completely. My mother and I tried everything to get her to drink
from a bottle, but we never succeeded. I fought for and successfully
transformed my flexible schedule into a very rigid one. I agreed to
come into the office every morning if I could then leave and work from
home for the rest of the afternoon so I would be able to breastfeed.
I'd like to say that this action was entirely motivated by my commitment
to breastfeeding. But I must admit that I feared Nikki would starve
rather than drink from a bottle. I learned that I would do whatever
was necessary to provide for my daughter's well-being. That's one of
the most amazing things I've learned from being a mother.
This very stressful situation
drove me to find a local LLL Group in my neighborhood. A family friend
told me about LLL. She still praises LLL for the, support she received
twenty years ago when financial circumstances made breastfeeding critical
to her children's survival. I attended my first LLL meeting looking
for a solution to the problem I was facing. Over a year later I am still
attending because of the continuing support I receive by listening to
the experiences of the other working (and non-working) mothers.
Although it sometimes makes
me sad, and even a little jealous, to chat with mothers who have involved
spouses or who have had the privilege to be able to choose to stay at
home, I am consistently surprised by how uplifted and encouraged I feel
after I attend a meeting. There are so many times when I attend feeling
anxious and overwhelmed by my life. Perhaps I am feeling the pressure
of my coworkers' desire for me to get back on a "normal" schedule,
the skepticism my boss has for my need to rush home and nurse my "older"
baby, or the double-sided guilt that results when neither your child
nor your work seems to be getting your full attention. I walk into the
LLL meetings unfocused and drained, but as I listen to the conversations
around me, I am likely to recognize some very familiar laments. I notice
such phrases as: "she is starting to breastfeed through the night
again," "he somehow seems to know exactly what time I'm supposed
to be home," and "My baby holds out for me." I am amazed
to discover that one mother's child exhibits behaviors similar to my
daughter's during the time we are at work. And I secretly breathe a
sigh of relief when I learn that even her husband can't seem to compensate
for her absence in the mind of her child. It reminds me of the universality
of the mother-child bond. The act of empathizing with another mother
who, like me, has to work and wishes she didn't seems to soothe us both.
LLL meetings first exposed
me to extended breastfeeding and gradually strengthened my belief in
it. I give credit to the Leaders and mothers of LLL for influencing
my decision to nurse according to my daughter's needs. There are times
I would like to be able to have someone else put my daughter to sleep
so I can try to get my personal life back in order and go out on a date
at night. However, my resolve to continue breastfeeding is renewed when
I meet with LLL members and observe from an outside perspective the
relationship between a mother and her nursing toddler. I share the awe
of the power of breastfeeding to calm, soothe, and maintain a deep channel
of mother-child communication. And it's funny how joking with the mothers
of other nighttime nursers about our long-term sleep deprivation can
provide some relief, even if it does not provide a solution. It seems
that whenever I have felt pushed to my limits and wanted to try to wean
out of desperation for space, privacy, and possibly sleep, LLL meetings
and publications have helped me to recognize that my breastfeeding relationship
with my daughter is probably the smoothest aspect of our single-parent
lifestyle. When I reconsider the issues, I find that the influences
I cannot control frustrate me. Breastfeeding does not contribute to
the chaos of my life. On the contrary, it often helps to restore the
peace.
Reflecting on my experiences
of the past year and a half, I would like to offer this summary as advice
to other single, working, nursing mothers (and married, non-working
mothers too). First, there really are a million stories out there. If
you are feeling overwhelmed, ask around-or just listen-because you really
are bound to find one that applies to your situation. Next, even if
you are committed to nursing, you may experience some reluctance or
moments when you feel burdened, just as you would with any other aspect
of parenthood. Try to evaluate whether nursing is the real problem.
Remember to ask yourself whether stopping nursing would truly provide
the relief you seek. Finally, nobody's family life is perfect. Everyone
just does the best they can in the life they are given and we all have
company for the journey.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:29:58 UTC 2007.
