When Child-Led Weaning Isn't an Option
Lynne Leary-Khater
North Andover MA USA
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 21 No. 1, January-February 2004, pp. 15
When my pregnant friend
told me she was planning to nurse her baby during his entire first year,
I smiled. Inside I thought, "That's too long to nurse." After
all, the child will be possibly walking and talking. At an LLL meeting
I had attended while pregnant, I found it difficult not to stare at
the preschooler asking her mother to nurse as she pushed up her blouse.
Yes, I was going to nurse my baby. Before my son was even conceived
I knew I wanted to nurse. But for a whole year? I wasn't so sure.
After Colin was born, I experienced
plugged ducts two to three times per week, two cases of mastitis, and
a baby who often nursed every 30 minutes for 30 minutes. Despite these
difficulties, we established a wonderful nursing relationship. It was
so beautiful. As time flew by, weaning took a backseat. Even my husband,
who originally said he wanted to see our son weaned at one year old,
encouraged us to continue. He saw the way our son kicked and smiled
with glee as I brought his downy head to my breast. Colin cooed as milk
dribbled down his chin. Even when he received his first solids, he always
wanted to nurse, before and after a meal-sometimes even during.
As he grew, I realized that
the best part of nursing was how much it helped Colin transition as
he developed. I found breastfeeding not only to be a form of supreme
nourishment, but also a supreme tool for mothering. Throughout the "stranger
and separation anxiety" stage, bumps, bruises, or illnesses, nursing
was the single best way to take care of Colin's problems.
Soon, the idea of breastfeeding
a baby for a year, and even into toddlerhood, didn't seem so odd to
me. I wanted to allow Colin to wean at his own pace, but I had a feeling
that this wasn't possible in our situation. Colin wasn't conceived "naturally."
He was conceived through in vitro fertilization. My husband and I still
had five-day-old embryos frozen and waiting for us. They had no expiration
date, per se, but I did. At LLL meetings, I saw other mothers with two
or more children. Although I was generally five to 10 years older than
the mothers in my LLL Group, I knew I wasn't ready to stop expanding
our family. At 40 years old, I was ready for another baby.
I met with my fertility doctor
and was hit hard with the news that Colin must be entirely weaned in
order to begin a cycle. I had to take fairly strong hormones to menstruate,
never mind conceive. I never had a regular period, or one I could chart,
and suppressing my ovulatory system with nursing wasn't helping me.
I pored over books about
weaning and fertility that my wonderful, supportive LLL friends provided
me with. I decided to night wean first and see what happened. Having
Colin in bed and nursing when he wanted was all too natural for our
family. I wondered how we would be able to handle it. I didn't want
to think about it. I just knew I had to do this as gradually and gently
as possible.
Instead of weaning him completely
at night, I slowed down the process. We didn't make much progress during
the first six months, but Colin did begin to understand the limitation
on nursing and accepted it…sometimes.
From there, I wondered what
the next step should be. Colin made the next move before I could and
went on a nursing strike when he was 18 months old. He was extremely
clingy and fussy, not uncommon when he wasn't feeling well. Yet, the
difference was he wouldn't nurse when offered my breast. This seemed
to make him cry even more. I called my local Leaders. They were supportive
and empathetic. One told me that she experienced nursing strikes with
both of her boys and assured me it would pass. Another Leader told me
to take advantage of the situation since I wanted to wean him completely.
I even asked a friend, who had a nursing toddler at the time, come over
and nurse in front of Colin to motivate him. No such luck.
I was able to get Colin latched-on
while asleep, but he always went back on strike as soon as he woke up.
My breasts were engorged and painful. I had plugged ducts, but was able
to use my pump for relief. After a doctor visit, we found out that Colin
had a virus, which caused a sore throat. Once he began to feel well,
Colin asked to nurse again.
My husband and I were determined
to wean Colin gently, so often set new goals for the date we wanted
him completely weaned by. No matter what we decided, it never felt right.
We made weaning books, read the LLLI children's book, Maggie's Weaning
(Available from LLLI, No. 721-12, $6.95) together, and talked about
weaning. Colin always changed the subject, and I knew he wasn't ready.
I tried not to be anxious, but I was. I had still not had a menstrual
period. I did have some light spotting, but nothing that indicated my
fertility had returned.
After getting a painful milk
blister that just would not heal, and after I felt as though my milk
stores were diminishing, I felt ready to try and eliminate the morning
nursing, too. I took a different approach this time by not talking about
weaning all the time, and gently explained to him that mommy needed
things to change. I also contacted the fertility center and told them
I would be ready for fertility treatment soon. The pressure was on.
My clock was ticking, and I felt as though our chances for conceiving
were rapidly diminishing.
Although the weaning process,
which took 13 months to complete, was difficult, my husband and I were
able to do it with the love and support of friends and La Leche League.
I know Colin's desire to breastfeed has not gone away completely because
he sometimes asks to see my breasts or nurse. But, now, at least we
can lie down together without me feeling panicked that he will ask to
nurse. Instead, he enjoys wrapping his arms around my neck while pressing
my cheek to the top of his head. He and I know that our bond has not
changed. He knows there is a reason for weaning. I took him off to preschool
the other day for the first time. He said, as he held my hand tightly
when we approached the door of the school, "Colin big boy now.
Colin go to school, and I don't nurse."
I never expected that I would
love nursing so much. It has been such a gift to be able to provide
my child with what he really needed and wanted in the most important
first years of life. Now, six months after Colin's weaning and at the
age of 42, I'm pregnant again. My newborn daughter will arrive this
April, and I can't wait to share the gift of nourishing and nurturing
through breastfeeding once again.
Last updated Tuesday, October 24, 2006 by njb.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:30:52 UTC 2007.
