Surviving
the First Year of Parenthood While Growing Deeper in Love
By Beth Moscov
Boulder California USA
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 17 No. 2 March-April 2000 pp. 36-39
We were in love and we always
knew we wanted children. We couldn't understand what had happened to
us after the baby was born. It was as if we were strangers. We were
both so busy, doing so much, and needing even more support than ever.
We just sort of lost touch with how much we cared for each other.
It can be difficult to anticipate
all the changes that follow the birth of a baby. Expectant parents often
read and learn about the physical and emotional realities of parenting
an infant, but they may not expect that their own relationship will
change so much. Understanding what's going on can help parents cope
with the challenges of first-year parenting.
Many family therapists today
use a method called Systems Theory. Systems theory provides a framework
for the family to use when looking at their problems. It likens human
relationships to a thermostat. We become used to a relationship working
in a certain pattern. This is like setting the thermostat. When anything
in the relationship changes, it causes us to shift. It is like opening
a window or cooking something in the oven. The thermostat kicks in turning
on either the heat or the fan to bring the temperature in the house
back to the previous setting. However, families are not this simple.
When something in the family system changes, as happens when a child
is born, other changes follow as everyone struggles to maintain the
old setting on the family thermostat. If things go well, the family
eventually resets their thermostat to a different level and everyone
grows into a more mature way of functioning. This is one of the tasks
of the first year of parenting.
A basic concept in Systems
Theory is called "equilibrium." If the thermostat is set at
68 degrees, then 68 degrees is the equilibrium point. If something that
influences the equilibrium changes (such as bringing in cold air from
an open window), something else must change as well-the furnace must
work harder. The same holds true in relationships. For one couple, equilibrium
may be set at a level where both people rarely see each other and this
is what makes the relationship work. If they suddenly start spending
a lot of time together, both partners will have to make adjustments
to recapture the balance in their relationship. Another couple's equilibrium
may depend on frequent and intensive arguments (even though they may
be unhappy while arguing). Still another couple may balance their time
so that they spend equal amounts of time together and apart and not
argue at all. Changes in a relationship affect its equilibrium and most
people try to return to the way things were before the change, either
consciously or unconsciously. This new behavior may not always produce
the desired result or it may create additional stress for one or both
partners.
Often, the equilibrium point
for a couple is related to how their own parents' relationship worked.
We learn a lot about how to interact with others through observation
of our parents. It can be helpful to look back and examine childhood
behavior patterns. We often find that we are reacting to situations
in the present based on responses and expectations from previous relationships.
Unhooking our responses from the past frees us to act in a thoughtful
way, not react without thinking. Unfortunately, the first years of parenting
are so full of emotional challenges that this is usually not a good
time to focus on older issues. But it can be a good time to learn new,
more functional behaviors and learn to use them regularly.
One very simple tool new
parents can use is called "normalizing." Someone who is unhappy,
fighting a lot with a spouse, and is feeling afraid for his or her marriage
may feel as if they are the only one struggling so much. When people
feel this way, they tend to isolate themselves from others and lose
their support system. Normalizing allows people to realize that what
they are going through is a normal part of the lives of most people.
They are not different and alone; rather they are more like their friends
than they realize. During the first year of parenting, there are three
useful normalizing statements that can help parents get through the
day-to-day ups and downs.
The first normalizing statement
is "Emotional ups and downs during the first year of parenting
are completely normal." Many people believe that they will "live
happily ever after." In reality, the changes that come with parenting
can be dramatic and are often unexpected. We cannot anticipate how the
shift from being a couple to being a family will affect us. But knowing
that tension, fear, anger, and sadness are as much a part of being a
parent as joy and fulfillment reassures new parents during what could
be a very confusing and lonely time in their lives.
The second statement is "The
first year only lasts for the first year." After that, it's over.
The birth of a second child will not affect a couple as dramatically
as the first child did. I know of one couple who had terrible fights
on and off during the first year of their baby's life. But they promised
each other they would not even consider separation or divorce until
after their baby was at least a year old. By that time, their fighting
had decreased considerably, they had learned better communication skills,
and they had a much better understanding of their goals as a family.
Rather than divorce at one year, they felt closer than they ever had
and chose to renew their vows to each other in a private ceremony they
designed for themselves.
The third normalizing statement
is "We wish to raise our child to become a capable, interesting,
successful, and happy adult." Keeping this goal foremost helps
when there are day-to-day difficulties. When children are tiny they
need their parents more than at any other time in their lives. In only
a few years they will be doing more and more on their own. How many
times has someone older commented to you that babies grow up "so
fast?" During the early years, parents often find themselves focusing
on their children's needs first, then their own needs, in order for
the children to grow up feeling secure and stable. As children grow,
so does their ability to balance their needs with parents' needs. When
a child is older, you can say, "First mom and dad need to finish
this conversation. Then we will take you to your friend's house."
But in that first year, babies can't wait.
While we become parents biologically
once our child is born, developing a parenting philosophy can take much
longer. Many of our first lessons in parenting were learned by watching
our own parents. Sometimes this learning is very conscious, such as
when adults choose not to spank their own children. Other times this
learning can be quite subtle. We may not even notice it until we catch
ourselves saying "Wow that sounded just like my mother!" Lessons
in parenting also come from the wider world, for example, our friends'
parents. As adults, we continue to learn passively by being around friends
and family members and their children.
Learning about parenting
can be more active as well, whether it comes from reading parenting
books, attending classes or La Leche League meetings, or sometimes through
our jobs. Often, spouses have discussed parenting at least a little
before having children. They may have read books or articles together
or observed friends' experiences with parenting. This learning process
continues throughout life as parents adjust their behavior to fit with
their concept of themselves as parents and their judgement of what works
best for their family.
Sometimes there is a culture
clash between how we imagine ourselves as parents and the style of parenting
supported by society. This can occur when we are trying to be just like
our parents and find that some of our parents' strategies don't work
for us. Choosing a parenting style that is different than the norm can
also make us feel different. If we choose to breastfeed, use the family
bed, or carry an infant in a sling or pack rather than a stroller, we
may be even more isolated from friends who have made other choices.
Extreme differences in parenting philosophy may even weaken friendships
that were formerly close.
Sometimes there is a clash
between how adults see themselves as parents and how they see themselves
as lovers. A husband may feel that now his role is to be the breadwinner
and to protect his wife and child from outside criticism. But if he
stays in that role when he is at home with only family members around,
he may forget to be gentle or may be so tired that he forgets to make
extra gestures of love. A wife may feel that as a mother her job is
to be there for her new baby 100 percent. She may not know how to balance
her needs for affectionate touch from her husband with her desire to
not be touched after a long day of holding an infant.
A couple needs to find a
way to combine the parenting role with the roles of being lovers and
friends to each other. As we focus more on our jobs as parents and providers,
we may forget to pay attention to ourselves as marriage partners. Some
couples even find that their new roles inhibit their relationship as
lovers. A man may find it hard to see a mother as someone to make love
to, even when the woman is the mother of his own child. A woman may
have difficulty remembering to nurture her husband after spending so
much time nurturing their new baby. Some husbands and wives don't want
to bother their spouses with their own needs when they see how much
work the other person is doing. But when needs for emotional intimacy
go unmet for too long, resentment builds. Often, just saying, "I
really love you and miss spending time with you," can be enough
to help your spouse feel nurtured at this time.
It is very important to respect
the relationship between the mother and the baby. In the first year
or two of life, babies are learning about trust. The relationship with
his mother is what teaches a child that he can get his needs met. Of
course, couples have emotional needs, too. It is possible to meet those
needs while keeping baby close to his mother. A romantic evening out
can occur with a baby in tow. A walk along the beach or in the forest
is wonderful for adults to share and baby may be perfectly content to
ride along in a sling. Even much smaller amounts of time invested in
a relationship can reap many benefits. One father of a newborn found
himself very busy between the extra work at home and a promotion at
work that meant longer workdays. He scheduled doing nice things for
his wife on his calendar at work. Some of the things he tried were:
bringing her flowers, helping with dishes or laundry, or calling home
to tell her something he really appreciated or to sing her a love song.
Once, when she was particularly stressed from lack of sleep, he came
home at lunch so she could nap while he played with their baby. A wife
and new mother could adapt this same program to include remembering
to tell her husband she appreciates all the work he is doing to keep
everyone fed and clothed, planning his favorite dinner (even if it means
take-out) or bringing him flowers!
During this time of major
life change, it is normal for couples to find themselves arguing more
often. It is helpful to remember that this does not mean that you are
no longer in love. Research has shown that the number of arguments a
couple has is not a predictor of whether they will divorce or not. Still,
arguing hurts feelings and makes life much less pleasant. There are
some ground rules a couple can implement that will make arguing a little
safer and a little less hurtful:
- Be assertive rather than
aggressive. It is okay to say that you are upset. It isn't to attack
the other person's actions or motives.
- Avoid scorekeeping. Stick
to what is bothering you now. It doesn't help to be a relationship
accountant remembering every hurt or indiscretion. And it never helps
to say something hurtful just because something hurtful was said to
you.
- Don't lecture.
- Focus on the behavior
that is upsetting you and use "I" statements. "When
you rush to pick up the baby even when we are in bed, I get jealous"
- Stay away from details.
Arguments can become sidetracked by details when each person remembers
the situation differently. The important thing is that someone was
hurt and became angry and now is the time to heal that.
- Use Active Listening,
where each person summarizes what the other just said. It may feel
silly when you start to learn it, but it helps for a few reasons.
When fighting we are thinking so fast that we may not hear the other
person. Restating in our own words what the other person said lets
them know we understand their point of view and gives them a chance
to clarify if we get it wrong. That often makes a world of difference
in an argument. It serves to put us back on the same side!
There is more information
about active listening and using "I" statements in the book
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk
(Available from LLLI, 62-7, $12.50). These techniques can be applied
to all family members and even friends and co-workers!
Sometimes, couples argue
without much of a reason. This is like a flood of extra rainwater causing
the banks of the river to spill over. Spilling over occurs when you
just have too much to deal with. This can be at work, at home, with
the baby, or anything. In these situations, arguing becomes a safety
valve that lets off pressure. It helps to develop other ways of releasing
tension. Some people exercise. Other people cook, go shopping, call
friends, pray or meditate, or take a long, soaking bath. It is important
to find a healthy alternative or spillover will occur again, just at
a later date.
When your relationship is
changing because of parenthood, try to get a bird's eye view and get
away from the details. Remember that sometime down the road, your children
will be grown, launched on their own journey through life. You and your
spouse will still be together. Your adventures in child rearing will
have brought you closer together and taught you both many important
lessons. When a local newspaper asked many couples who were married
for more than 50 years how they did it, the answer across the board
was "we stuck it out." In the course of married life, feelings
of passion and romance will come and go. Remember that being friends
with your spouse is the most important thing. And right now, make the
commitment to stay together even if she is irritable for a few months
or he zones out in front of the television before bedtime. Things will
change. They always do. If you feel as though things are just getting
worse, seek counseling, but otherwise, stick it out. Make yourselves
one of those Golden Anniversary couples sometime in the future! Maybe
one day, things will come full circle, and the two of you will again
be honeymooning in some exotic locale--this time with the memories of
a lifetime to bring you joy.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:30:06 UTC 2007.
