Rewards
Molly V.
MO USA
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 18 No. 2, March-April 2001, pp. 55-56
Have you ever noticed that
when you work hard for something, the benefits you reap are more rewarding?
While nursing my daughter Madeleine I have the opportunity to study
her dimpled knuckles and the chubby folds of flesh that meet at her
wrist in a deep crease. She watches my face as she nurses and I bask
in this moment while I remain the focus of her attention, the center
of her universe. She has memorized not only my image but also the smell
of my skin, and the taste of my warm sweet milk. I am the only one able
to comfort her in this way, and she prefers me over all others, including
her beloved daddy who always makes her laugh. Nursing has become second
nature so that we fit together without even trying. When she signals
her need I can immediately respond without hesitation, in no more time
than it takes to pick her up and draw her in close to me. No matter
the place, the time, or the circumstances, I can always satisfy her
hunger or fulfill her longing to nurse. I do this for her so that she
will gain trust in the world and develop confidence that her needs will
always be met.
I am so lucky, for I have
known the magnificent wonders of motherhood. I have known the little
triumphs, the sweet joys, and the great contentment of becoming a parent.
I have conceived a baby with my husband, and she has lived and grown
inside me. I felt the first flutter of her movement and later saw my
belly quiver as she floated around, turning and exercising her new little
limbs. Pregnant with her, I suffered through nausea and backaches. I
spent two nights and a day agonizing to give birth to her. When she
was finally born, I got to see and hold her shiny little newborn body.
Put to my breast, she immediately latched on and nursed. On her second
day of life, I remembered to tell her that I loved her. I had always
loved the idea of her, but now here she was and I could love her for
her uniqueness.
I felt an enormous sense
of relief after her birth, but little did I know that the hardest part
was yet to come - learning to breastfeed! We persevered through common
but frustrating obstacles in the early weeks. With patience and persistence,
we kept going. I liken the early weeks of breastfeeding a newborn to
learning to ride a bike or driving a car with a manual transmission-seeming
impossible and awkward at first, but eventually becoming effortless
and natural.
As we hold each other and
nurse, I feel myself settling down and becoming so overwhelmed with
love for my baby that I have to hold back tears. Every feeding is an
intimate experience for both of us, with me giving myself to my baby
and her accepting gratefully. Even when I feel too busy to stop what
I'm doing, breastteeding necessitates that I take a moment to sit, relax,
and marvel at my daughter. Sometimes I think about frivolous things
while I nurse her, like how wispy her hair is. Other times I contemplate
how fortunate and blessed we are to have each other. And yes, on occasion
I find myself wishing she would hurry up so that I can finish what I
was doing before she interrupted! But I know better than to resent all
the time she demands, since I can imagine the day will soon come when
she worst allow me to hold her like this, stroking her hair and admiring
her supple little cheek. On that day that she asserts her independence,
I may regret that I didn't savor every single second that she needed
me and depended on me as she does now. On that day, she will be looking
forward, but I will be nostalgic.
Suddenly she is finished;
she releases me and I feel calmed. She may have savored her meal and
then drifted off to sleep in my arms, her belly full and her hunger
satiated by my milk. Or she may have drunk quickly and greedily for
only a few minutes, afterward pushing me away, energized and ready to
get back to the business of being a baby. Whichever the case I watch
her grow and learn with such an inflated sense of pride! Every pound
she gains and each new skill she acquires I can attribute to me, to
all the attention that I lavish upon her, to all the hours of every
day that I spend with her, and to my milk which is the only milk that
nourishes her.
Now there are times when
I ponder this: Would it all be as rewarding if the road to today hadn't
been so full of discomfort, hardship, and sacrifice? Without this much
effort and devotion, could motherhood mean so much! Thank goodness I'll
never know, since nursing my daughter has helped me define motherhood
in what has become the only way that I can imagine.
Last updated November 13, 2006 by njb.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:30:48 UTC 2007.
