The Nudge to Nurse
Roxane S.
ND USA
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 19 No. 2, March-April 2002, pp. 55-56
While recently reveling in
the fact that my dream of working at home has finally become a reality,
it occurred to me that the momentum behind that pull to the hearth had
as much to do with breastfeeding as anything.
Though the longing for motherhood
had been planted long ago through satisfying experiences caring for
other people’s children, breastfeeding is one of those aspects of childcare
a woman can not experience prior to giving birth. As I developed my
out-of-home career, I hadn’t a clue how deeply affected I would be by
my breastfeeding relationship, nor how the desire to breastfeed my babies
would cause me to rearrange my life.
My anxiety over whether breastfeeding
would suit my first baby and I dissipated quickly following his birth.
Stories from friends who had difficulty getting their babies to latch
on did not match my experience. I found myself in awe over my new baby’s
instantaneous expertise at the breast. He had it down better than I,
and with confidence in him, my own skills soon improved. There were
several weeks of discomfort and doubt as to whether I could persist
on this breastfeeding venture. With patience, I found myself drawn into
the bonding and feeding experience in a way that caught me unaware.
My plan was to wean my baby
and begin bottle-feeding toward the end of my three-month maternity
leave. My baby had other ideas. As the day of reckoning drew closer,
I found my little one an adamantly unwilling participant in gradual
weaning. He would scream every time a rubber nipple came within 100
feet, refusing to suckle the artificial device. By the time I was expected
back at work I had made little progress, and this only increased my
apprehension about returning. Because my husband had taken a leave of
absence from his own job to usher in the next few months of our baby’s
life, I found some solace in the fact that I wouldn’t have to place
the burden of a stubborn bottle-feeder onto someone outside our family.
But the persistence of our son drove my husband to despair. It was milk
from a breast or no milk at all. Because Daddy hadn’t come properly
equipped, he was completely powerless to soothe our ravenous child.
I decided to forgo weaning
and find a way to be at home every couple of hours. It worked for a
while. My job was flexible enough that, as long as my work got done,
I basically could come and go as I pleased. My new routine consisted
of work a while, receive a phone call, rush home to feed the baby, repeat.
As this continued, I found myself wanting to stay with him more and
more. My life was becoming complicated, but instead of insisting on
weaning, I found myself working around my baby’s schedule and enjoying
every stolen moment with him. I prepared myself to nurse through month
six then give it up entirely. When a job change for my husband resulted
in a move, I found myself searching for work that would accommodate
a nursing mother. At the six-month mark I was enjoying that time with
my son even more than I had initially. He was now alert enough to sneak
endearing peeks at me, gently twirl my hair, or touch my face, as if
to learn all he could about me while nursing. During those precious
moments, I fell even more deeply in love with him.
Pressure to wean came from
outside our home, but as the months went by, I had no desire to give
up this special time with my child. My baby’s doctor assured me that
nursing through a year would maximize health benefits. Armed with his
advice, I stuck with it, ever more convinced it was the right thing
to do for my baby and myself. I found a job as a nanny for a family
willing to let my little guy join me at work. That job ended six months
later with news of my second pregnancy. During my first trimester, I
weaned my firstborn effortlessly at 15 months.
As my belly grew, I looked
forward to nursing again and began refining details of how I would work
breastfeeding into the part-time night job I’d accepted. Although pumping
proved challenging initially, I had become so convinced of the virtues
of human milk that it eventually became routine. After my daughter was
born I toted my pump, bottles, and ice packs to work, and prepared a
bottle for my daughter each evening during my 15-minute break. About
the time I began feeling I might not have it in me to continue with
this routine, my husband received a raise. The pay boost justified my
staying home and leaving my outside job.
I looked to the days ahead
with joy and knew I would treasure this time with my young children
forever. The next obstacle I faced was convincing some in my life that
weaning didn’t have to take place at six months or even a year. In my
heart I knew that it should happen when both my child and I were ready.
I became involved in a group of mothers, many of whom had nursed their
children past 12 months, and came to know I was not a breastfeeding
anomaly after all.
When my daughter was 17 months
old, I continued breastfeeding her several times a day. That same month
I learned the happy news that I was pregnant once more. I felt that
in preparing for the nurturing of yet another child, I should wean.
I gave myself a deadline, but was unable to meet it because my daughter
just wasn’t ready. About that time I made the horrible discovery that
our newest baby had died in the womb. I was brought to my knees in sorrow
over the loss of this little being. A couple nights after the loss,
my daughter awoke in the night, and as I went to her crib, picked her
up, and cradled her in my arms to nurse, I realized that the powers
of breastfeeding extend beyond bonding and feeding. I had lost my smallest
baby, but the healing that took place as a result of that physical act
of shared love between my child and me was immense.
We continued to try for
another child. A year after our loss, we welcomed Elizabeth Grace into
our lives. Our nursing relationship is now firmly in place. I will always
look back on my nursing years as filled with happiness and a mutual
understanding of love.
Last updated Tuesday, October 17, 2006 by njb.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:30:46 UTC 2007.
