Book Review
The Five Love Languages of Children
by Gary Chapman
and Ross Campbell
Reviewed by Melissa Rice
Noble
From NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 17 No. 3, May-June 2000, pp. 104-105
The Five Love Languages
of Childrenis like
a quart of rejuvenating oil injected by skilled technicians with the
latest factory training using Genuine Good Mother Parts. This book takes
a positive approach to raising children, advocating preventive maintenance
rather than waiting for a crash on the parenting highway.
The authors assert that children
and adults can be loved in five ways: physical touch, affirmative words,
gifts, acts of service, and quality time. This book explains how a parent
may douse a child in one love language, such as gifts, while the child
remains dry inside. If a child craves touch but his parents are physically
distant with him, he feels alone. Learning how a child perceives love
helps parents choose the most effective means to express love to him.
Some ways mentioned to discern
your child's favorite love language are to observe how your child expresses
love to you and others, listen to what he requests most often or complains
about, and offer him choices between activities such as shopping together
or a backrub.
When our middle son was small,
we joked that he would nurse through graduate school. He clearly adores
physical touch. When we say prayers at night, he thanks God for family
members and climbs on each one's back as he says thanks! If he spots
a bend in any major limb, he considers it a lap and invites himself
to plop down. He jumps on his brothers randomly, wrestles them to the
ground, and loves tickling. As I read this book, I was reminded to make
the time to hold him more, stroke his hair and rub his back. His mood
sweetened amazingly! My eldest son, on the other hand, enjoys focused
time with a parent, even it if involves washing the car. In the darkness
at the edge of night, he steals moments and private conversations, a
broad, contented smile on his freckled face.
People need to hear all the
five love languages to some degree and their favorite a lot, to fill
up what the authors refer to as "the love tank." They note
that a child who feels loved and can identify with his parents is much
easier to discipline. Actions and words need to match up. Let's say
Ima Parent wants her children to share their toys with others. Ima really
likes imported chocolate cookies and treats herself to them occasionally.
Ima's three-year-old begs for a bite. She lets him have one, whereupon
he gnaws off the chocolate and throws the rest of the delectable cookie
into the (gasp) sink. She's lost her treat but her child has learned
that even mommies share. Her actions spoke louder than countless shrill
reminders.
The authors have a profound
perspective on discipline. It means teaching or training and isn't necessarily
punitive. They remind us that children act like children. Even if childish
behavior is unpleasant, it's part of being a child. If we do our part
and love them unconditionally, they will mature feeling secure and give
up childish ways. The authors urge parents to use requests rather than
demands as much as possible and mention that "many parents view
parental guidance as an exercise in prohibition" (page 51). Parenting
isn't just about forbidding certain behaviors, but involves cultivating
good behavior by example and support. "Parents who offer words
of encouragement will be looking closely at the interests and abilities
of their children and giving positive verbal reinforcement of those
interests" (page 52). When a child does misbehave, we should ask,
"What does my child need?" (page 117). And if chastisement
must be administered, "it is wise to give a child a conscious expression
of love both before and after administering a punishment" (page
124).
"Quality time is a parent's
gift of presence to a child " (page 61). The authors note that
although the idea of quality time has gotten a lot of press, children
still aren't getting enough. It is even possible to be home all day
and not level one's attention directly on an individual child. Giving
attention to your child is the most meaningful offering possible. Be
at your child's disposal for games, conversation, or a backrub. In my
mind, quality time is the essence of all five languages. The authors
urge parents to provide the strengthening effect of personal time with
their children, as it is an investment in the future. "In many
homes, children would miss their TV sets more than they would miss their
fathers" (page 61). We don't want a generation of hollow, hurting
people. We have in our power the incredible ability to convey peace,
civility, and security to future doctors, construction workers, teachers,
and parents. Our children are important people, no matter who they become.
Living out our love for them in a language they can understand is a
priority that can hardly be topped.
I encourage you to delve
into this book. It is clearly written and eminently helpful in building
strong relationships with your children, spouse, friends, extended family,
and business associates. Many great examples bring the text to life,
and the subjects of learning, anger, single parenting, and marriage
are given good coverage.
In one instance the authors
point out that parenting is not about doing what comes naturally. It
is a commitment that requires attention. It's easier to bring home a
package of candy than it is to play catch for a half hour but your child
may be far hungrier for your time than for chocolate. What your child
needs may be something more than what is most convenient to give but
the reward is long-term growth, deeper affection, and enduring respect.
Consider this book a timely tune-up for your parental engine.
The Five Love Languages
of Children is published by Moody Books © 1997, and is available
through LLLI (19-7, $11.99).
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:30:23 UTC 2007.
