Toddler Tips
Comforting a Grieving Friend
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 16 No. 3, May-June 1999, pp. 80-83
We provide articles from our publications from previous years for reference for our Leaders and members. Readers are cautioned to remember that research and medical information change over time.
"Toddler Tips" is a regular feature of the magazine NEW BEGINNINGS, published bimonthly by La Leche League International. In this column, suggestions are offered by readers of NEW BEGINNINGS to help parents of toddlers. Various points of view are presented. Not all of the information may be pertinent to your family's lifestyle. This information is general in nature, and not intended to be advice, medical or otherwise.
Situation
My friend's two-year-old
recently died. We used to get together at least twice a month to visit
and allow our children to play together. My son asks questions about
what happened to his friend. I'm concerned that if I visit my friend,
my son will ask why his friend isn't there and where his toys are. I'm
worried that his questions, and even his presence, will be too painful
for her. I want to support her during this very difficult time in her
life, but also want to be sensitive to her grief. How can I explain
things to my son so that he understands? And how can I best show my
love and care for my friend in the months to come?
Response
I feel I have a unique perspective
as I lost a baby brother as a child, and as a woman I have lost a baby
of my own. When my baby brother died, I was three. All these years later,
I can still remember the moment my mother told me that he had died.
I had been anxiously awaiting the day he would be old enough to play
with me. I had kept in my mind the image of my brother and me bouncing
a ball around the backyard. When my mother explained that my brother
wouldn't be coming home again, I knew that my image would never come
true. It helped me to hear that my brother had gone to a place called
heaven. How you choose to describe this depends upon your family's beliefs.
Heaven was described as a place where my brother was that I couldn’t
go to yet, a place I would be able to see one day. It also helped me
to be able to talk about him whenever I wanted, to ask questions about
heaven, and touch his baby clothes and his toy lamb. This openness made
my brother real. I coped with the loss of my brother because I could
talk freely about him.
As for how you approach your
friend, I know that my mother hated it when people pretended my brother
didn’t exist. When I had my miscarriage, I understood how she felt.
Even if it made me sad, I took comfort in talking about the baby I lost.
I didn't want people to pretend that I had never been pregnant. Your
son's presence might even be helpful for your friend. Children speak
frankly about all sorts of subjects. My daughter was two and a half
when I had the miscarriage. I found it soothing that she would talk
about her baby sister. She said so many profound things in her childlike
innocence, things that adults would be afraid to say, that brought comfort
to my grief.
Your friend is probably experiencing
the worst grief she will ever face. She may cry if you talk about her
son. She may also be grateful to have someone talk about him, remember
him, remember his birthday and the anniversary of his death. As the
years pass, she will appreciate even more those who still mention her
son. Your friend will never forget her son. She will appreciate having
others remember him, too.
Colleen S.
IL USA
Response
Acknowledge your friend's
child's life as well as his death. You might consider planting flowers
or a tree. Donating a book to the library in his memory or writing a
poem are also gestures that will be appreciated by the child's family
and healing for you. Younger family members may want to draw a picture.
There are many possibilities. The process of planning and carrying out
some of these activities helps each person deal with the loss in their
own unique way. My heart and prayers go out for all of you.
Dona E.
AR USA
Response
It may seem awkward to try
to get together with your friend after the death of her child, but consider
this. She has already lost her son. Is she about to lose you as a friend
also? If you can stand by her during this difficult time, she may very
well count you as one of her finest friends. Parents who have lost a
child may be inadvertently shunned by those who feel that they don't
know what to say. The loss of a child can seem like the loneliest feeling
in the world.
She may not have the energy
for a long visit, so how about a phone call? Maybe there is something
practical you can do for her, bringing over a meal, or doing an errand.
Once you have your foot in the door, so to speak, try to be flexible.
If she's exhausted, just give her a hug and promise to check on her
later. Follow through on that promise. When she wants to spend more
time with you, try to make yourself available. Social customs used to
allow for a lengthy period of acknowledgment of a loss. Today we are
expected to get our respective acts together in a hurry.
Let your reactions to the
situation be natural. Tell her how sorry you are that her child died,
talk about special qualities you enjoyed in her child. Remember she
needs a listening ear and leave most of the talking to her. Rather than
fretting about upsetting her, try to accept the fact that she is already
upset. Diligently avoid platitudes such as, “You can try again.”
Even if she had another baby, it wouldn't replace the little individual
who died. Be prepared for the grief to start and stop, even after years
have gone by. You may not always say or do the perfect thing, but by
supporting her during a difficult time you can make all the difference
in the world.
Adele M. K.
MI USA
Response
The best thing you can do
for your friend is to listen. Be there for her. Let her cry, laugh,
or whatever feels right to her. Remember her not only for the first
few weeks, but also for the long term. Send her a note on her baby's
birthday or the anniversary of his death, just saying you're thinking
of her. Bring her a fully cooked meal in a month or two, something she
can freeze for when “one of those days” comes up, as they
may for a long, long time. Ask her how she would feel about you bringing
your toddler for a visit. She may feel angry and not want to see a happy
child (especially one the same age as the child she lost), or she may
get real joy out of it.
When talking to your son,
the most important things are to be honest and talk at a level he can
understand. Use real words, like dead, instead of euphemisms, which
are often misunderstood by a small child. Explain that this is forever.
Talk about feelings. Your son may be sad or confused. Answer his questions.
Talk about your spiritual beliefs and explain them as concretely as
possible. Expect more questions to come up from time to time. Explain
death in terms of other deaths in the family, maybe grandparents or
great-grandparents. Reassure him that, although these things do happen
sometimes, it is highly unlikely that he or someone else very close
to him will die suddenly in the future.
Brandel F.
Israel
Response
It is sad to lose a child
at any age. Please keep in touch with your friend. Questions from your
son will happen. They may provide the opening your friend needs to talk
about her feelings. Listen to her, share hugs and hand squeezes with
her, too. Be there for her. Too often, people leave behind someone who
is grieving, just when they really need a friend. Your friend will see
other children too and possibly, by seeing your son and the others,
she will have hope for the future. I wish you both the best.
Laurel S.
TX USA
Response
I work as a hospital chaplain
where, unfortunately, grief is a constant presence. It is very important
not to make decisions for and assumptions about parents who have lost
a child. Be honest with your friend about your questions. Let her teach
you about what she needs right now. Share memories of her child. Ask
to see pictures and encourage her to tell stories about her child. Use
her child's name. Honor her time as a mother when her child was living.
Let her decide whether it is too hard to see your child. It's important
that she not feel that she must care for you as well. Get your support
from others.
Your two-year-old probably
understands "owies" and "sad" and crying and tears.
Explain to him that your friend has “owies” and is sad because
her child has died. She misses her child. A simple book such as The
Fall of Freddie the Leaf has themes and examples that might help
a two-year-old. Answer his questions directly and as honestly as you
can. While it is a big subject, death is not a subject to shelter children
from or to suggest that they should be afraid of.
Rev. Joanna B.
MI USA
Response
When people have someone
close to them die they need to talk about it. Maybe you could ask your
friend if she would like to get together with you. Ask her if it would
be all right if your child were with you. Tell her that you know this
is a difficult time for her and you want to help. If she thinks your
child’s presence would be too hard for her, she will tell you.
It may make her feel better to talk to your child about her son, and
she will remember things about the times they spent together. It might
make her cry, but tears are not a bad thing. They have to come out sometime,
and how good it is to be able to let them out with a friend. You might
suggest that she make a scrapbook of things she remembers of her son
because the memories get foggier, although they are always there.
Darlene G.
BC Canada
Response
It is difficult to understand
the range of emotions a parent experiences unless you have lost a child
yourself. I found the following poem on the Internet and wanted to share
it.
The Mention of His Name
The mention of my child’s name
may bring tears to my eyes
but it never fails
to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend
let me hear the beautiful music
of his name.
It soothes my broken heart
and sings to my soul.
Author Unknown
I have also found some resources
through Centering Corporation. Where's Jess? is
a book about a baby brother who dies when he is about three months old.
It explains death in a gentle way for a two-year-old to understand.
A book called Timothy Duck discusses the death of a friend.
Christie F.
MA USA
Response
Ask her if she wants to get
together. It is a very normal activity. When you're grieving, your heart
cries out for normalcy, though “normal” will never feel the
same again. She may not be ready this week, so ask again later. The
loss of a child often isolates a person, and a bereaved parent may need
some help to move away from isolation.
Keep explanations for children
to age level and expect different questions as their understanding increases.
Don't expect a two-year-old to understand death. Give them information
calmly and be as truthful as possible. Don't try to completely shield
your child from pain. It is important to explain that there are good
things and bad things about nearly everything in life.
My four-year-old daughter
died last summer. What helped most was when friends shared “Melanie
stories” with me and allowed me to talk. Some friends tried to
avoid mentioning her, attempting to shelter me. Thoughts of my daughter
were so strong that avoidance was even more painful than talking about
her. It also helps me (though I often still cry) to see and hear about
other children that were my daughter's friends.
Your child can talk about
fun times, too. Remembering the good times with the sad can help a child
accept death as another stage of life. Don't prevent your child from
asking questions in the presence of your friend, but be prepared to
answer if your friend cannot.
Before visiting your friend,
prepare your child. Tell him that your friend's child died and can’t
come back to his house anymore, and his mama is very sad. Don't forget
the most important part. What your child needs most is you, with lots
of hugs and cuddles to get through this confusing time.
Mary Beth S.
GA USA
Response
The loss of a child is a
devastating, life-altering event. My third-born child died a year and
a half ago. It is difficult for friends to know what to do or how to
help. Tell your friend that you want to get together with her. Ask her
if it will be too painful to see your son. It may or may not be; every
grieving person is different. One thing that grieving parents are afraid
of is that their child will be forgotten. Tell her that your son asks
about her child and misses him. When you talk to your friend don't avoid
conversation about her child. Ask her how she is doing and what she
has remembered about her child that day. Try to remember important dates
such as her child's birthday and anniversary of his death. Use her child's
name when talking to your friend. This may seem obvious but many people
avoid using the dead child's name. Grieving parents like to hear their
child's name spoken. You are right that your friend will need lots of
love and care in the months to come. The first year is the hardest,
but the grief doesn't go away after that.
When explaining things to
your son, be very honest. Tell him his friend died. Explain that, because
he isn't living, he doesn't need his toys anymore. When my own son died,
we were very honest with our two older children who were then five and
two-and-a-half. We told them their brother died because he was missing
part of his heart. They have been to the cemetery with us, and we have
told them that his body is buried there but the part of him that thinks,
feels, and loves is in heaven. It is okay for your son to see you or
his friend’s mother cry. Death can be very sad and when we are
sad we cry.
Tiffany K.
KY USA
Last updated Tuesday, October 17, 2006 by njb.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:30:52 UTC 2007.
