Book Review:
Bring Out the Best in Your Child and Yourself
By Ilene
Val-Essen
Quality Parenting, 1997
Available from LLLI No. 903-7 $20.00
Reviewed by
Unity Dienes
From: NEW BEGINNINGS,
Vol. 17 No. 6, November-December 2000, p. 218
Bring Out the Best in
Your Child and Yourself
is an excellent guide founded upon the principles of acceptance and
sensitivity. It can be hard for some parents to strike an appropriate
balance between "loving" and "guidance."
This workbook blends the
two beautifully. Like the classic How to Talk So Kids Will Listen
and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish, (Available from
LLLI, 62-7, $12.50) this book teaches communication skills valuable
to any relationship. However, Val-Essen focuses more on the internal
transformation that needs to take place before the language skills can
be effectively used. Many parents play counterproductive roles when
dealing with their children; Val-Essen describes these roles and how
to escape them. Only after working through their problematic attitudes
and habits can parents move on to the development of more effective
dialogue. This entire process, which is clearly outlined and sometimes
amusingly illustrated, prepares the reader for the ultimate challenge:
to become a better parent.
Each stage of the author's
program is clearly explained. First Val-Essen asks readers to probe
the "awful secret" of their worst parenting behavior by means of a self-portrait.
Here as elsewhere in her program, the effectiveness of her method relies
to some extent on the reader's willingness actually to perform the exercises
outlined in the book. Once you have drawn the picture and answered the
questions about it, you should have a better idea of your parenting
flaws. For example, the author recognized herself as a "Frenzied Franny."
When she, as a parent, found herself becoming "Frenzied Franny" she
knew that she had lost control, was no longer centered, and needed to
regain her calm.
The process of regaining
self-control is described briefly but clearly.
Val-Essen recommends performing
a calming exercise, which can be either the one she presents or any
other you prefer. The author explains that she has "special regard for
the Relaxation Exercise because it has roots in the Eastern tradition
and works with the chakra system. However, if you know a different way
of becoming relaxed that has worked for you or feels more comfortable,
I encourage you to use it. Some parents have used favorite psalms or
verses from the Koran." Like everything else in this book, the important
thing is to personalize the ideas to make them work for your family.
Once you have become calm
again, the real work of discipline, and of this book, begins. LLL members
who have attended LLL's Human Relations Enrichment sessions will recognize
the formulas taught here for reflective (or empathetic) listening, assertiveness,
setting limits, and expressing complaints. Val-Essen suggests that aggressive
language invites resistance while respectful language gives honest responses
and invites cooperation. Val-Essen gives many examples that illustrate
how to cope with various situations, as well as exercises to practice
creating them in your own style.
The book remains clearly
focused on setting limits to prevent problems and communication-based
discipline. Having finished the book, you should feel better able to
communicate respectfully and effectively with your children, both before
and after problems arise. Val-Essen's concentrated attention to language
means, however, that she offers very little help in situations where
communication is insufficient or ineffective. In a situation where "talking
it out" will no longer (or will not yet) work, this book may not be
the best resource. Parents with very small (pre-verbal) children may
also feel that the book is not aimed at them. However, these are the
kinds of skills you can begin to practice with tiny infants and see
them bear fruit as your children mature. You may feel silly discussing
with your infant the reasons for your decisions and reflecting her own
feelings back to her ("You feel angry that I won't give you the scissors"),
but you may be surprised to find that your child will grow up naturally
using such respectful language, since it is what she is used to.
Encouraging good communication
with children nurtures a lifelong closeness. As one parent who followed
this course explained, "[there is] so much to learn about what these
young ones see and how they put it all together. Alisa is infinitely
fascinating to me; when I can stay calm and centered I learn more and
more about my daughter and how she's changing, day by day." Day by day,
we watch our children grow and we respond to their needs as best we
can. A book like this helps sharpen our parenting skills, allowing us
to work through the parts of parenting we find most challenging and
communicate more effectively so that we can enjoy our children as they
deserve, with infinite fascination.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:29:41 UTC 2007.
