Growing Families
Greater Than Two
Mary Wagner-Davis
Roseville CA USA
From NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 18 No. 6, November-December 2001, p. 228
We're late . . . again.
Why is it that we just can't leave on time? Is it so hard to get four
children and two adults up, dressed, and out the door? Recently, we
were walking back from the bathrooms at the water park. At least I thought
we were. "Katie, Jessica, Emily, Joseph? Joseph?!! Where's Joseph?"
"Right behind you, Mom."
I can't even keep track of
my own children! While life seemed to whirl when I had two children,
it seems to whirl more often with four. Maybe my mother was right; one
for each hand is enough.
One for each hand might have
been right for my mother and many others in the United States, since
the average family has two children, but it isn't right for everyone.
Some families have more than two children, mine included. Maybe we didn't
all plan it that way, it just happened. Maybe it has been our hearts'
desire to have a larger-than-typical family. Whatever the case, the
logistics of raising a larger family can sometimes be daunting. While
I admit to not being perfect in this area, evidenced by the fact that
I am sometimes late, and sometimes can't keep track of my children,
and sometimes lose my cool, there are some things I've learned that
help; at least they do when I practice them.
Watching a woman nurse her
baby at the water park reminded me of one of the first things I learned
about having more than two children: spend some time each day doing
things the older children really enjoy and you'll have fewer hassles
the rest of the day while you care for the younger ones. Actually, this
is true no matter how many children you have. When my third child was
born, the weather was mild and the older two frequently spent a large
portion of their day outside. One Christmas, we asked all of our family
to contribute toward the purchase of a swing set. Thanks to their generosity,
I was able to spend time inside, rocking and nursing the baby, while
my older children enjoyed themselves on their new swing set. Other times
I'd sit on the swing nursing the baby while Katie and Jessica played
in the sandbox. The time it took to get them occupied was well worth
the investment. You may not have a swing set and the weather may not
be mild, but there are likely other activities your children really
enjoy that would keep them occupied and playing in a relatively independent
manner. You might choose clay or bubbles, water balloons or books on
tape. As your children grow older, as mine have, it may be a favorite
board game, computer game, or making cookies together that works. Whatever
it is, it pays off to take that time with them.
Shopping is always challenging,
partly because it isn't my favorite thing to do and partly because taking
four children along to the market or mall is an accident waiting to
happen. Because my second child couldn't tolerate the car seat, even
for the five-minute drive to the market, for many years I have been
doing my marketing very early in the morning while my husband can be
with the children. I also shop infrequently and buy in large quantities.
Other friends who shop with
their children are sure to make a stop at the bakery section for a loaf
of fresh French bread as soon as they enter the store. Shopping when
everyone is rested and has a full tummy helps. Some stores offer little
shopping carts that are just the right size for children to push. Little
ones seem to love them and the only problem is if there are not enough
carts to go around. A list helps me stay focused and finish more quickly.
I also frequent stores that offer help out to the car. If that isn't
an option, I try to park my car near the rack for shopping carts. The
last thing I need after unloading the groceries and getting everyone
in the car is to remember that I now have to put away the cart. Do I
get everyone out of their car seats or do I leave them alone in the
car while I rush back? It's never safe to leave young children in a
car, even for a moment. It's much easier just to park near the cart
rack in the first place.
Cooking and other household
chores continue to be a challenge in our family. Not only do I have
to cook in quantity but I somehow need to find something that pleases
six palates. Now that the children are older, I've started having them
cook dinner once a week. Not only does it teach them an important life
skill, it gives me a break. Everyone pitches in on menu planning, another
important life skill. Clean-up chores, more life skills, are rotated
between children. Even little ones can help clear or set a table. Older
children can see to things like rinsing dishes and reaching cups that
are stored too high for their siblings. Everyone participates in the
meal, from planning to preparation to eating to cleaning up. By establishing
this pattern early, we've had an easier time keeping this routine now
that the children are involved in more activities. Even when everyone
has a softball game in the evening, we prepare a healthy afternoon snack
and then simply prepare bowls of soup or cereal after the game.
I take this same principle
and apply it to household chores. It is important for me to remember
meal times and chore times are family times. I'm not the only one eating
(if I was, mealtime would be a whole different story!). Nor am I the
only one who took a bath today, at least I hope not! As our family grew,
I also found that routine was our friend. The predictability of meal
times, clean-up times, story time or bath time was comforting to everyone.
It took some of the responsibility off me and helped my children take
charge of themselves. The routines help maintain a household that could
otherwise easily disintegrate into chaos.
Arriving at appointments
on time was a struggle for me to begin with, but even that has improved
over the years. I read one book that said to allow half an hour per
child to get ready to leave the house. While I don't think we need two
hours to get everyone ready, we probably need close to an hour total,
depending upon where we're going. I've started trying to notice how
long it takes for us to get ready. If I have that information, I can
allow for that amount of time rather than being frustrated either that
it takes so long to get ready or that we're continually late. As we
got ready to go swimming the other day, I noticed that it took approximately
half an hour just for everyone to get their swimsuit on, grab a towel,
and put on sunscreen. It definitely helps to have an older child help
a younger child. When Katie understands that it is her responsibility
to help Joseph brush his hair and get his shoes tied, that's one less
thing for me to do. It also helps to have a place for everything and
a thing for every place. Frequently used items, such as shoes, sunscreen,
and backpacks have a place to be stored and heaven help the person who
doesn't store them accordingly! It's amazing how much longer it takes
to get out the door when someone can't find the matching shoe or has
misplaced a library book.
I overheard a woman tell
her friend, "You can only really parent two children. You can have
more, but you can only really parent two." Of course, this was
said loudly and clearly enough to be sure I heard. At first, I was highly
offended. After considering the source, I began to think about just
what her objections might be to having more than two children. One of
the things I realized that might be of concern is how to spend time
with each child. I'll be the first to happily admit that my children
are not only attached to me and their father, they're attached to each
other. When you have more than two children, this is probably more likely
to happen, yet I also know families with two children who are highly
attached to each other. I'm sure this is a good thing.
Recent research would suggest
that siblings play a big role in child development. One of the things
I didn't quite grasp as I had more children, was the combination of
relationships we would experience. It isn't just mother-child and father-child.
It's mother-child, father-child, and child-child. Each parent has a
relationship with each child and each child has a relationship with
each sibling. Maintaining those relationships can be tiring. While we
do many things as a family, we also do some things as pairs or smaller
groups. Depending on the makeup of your family, that might mean the
boys go somewhere with Mother or Dad while the girls do something else.
It might mean the older children are involved in something while the
younger ones do something else. It also might mean that, periodically,
each child has an outing with a parent./p>
Mothering through breastfeeding
taught me sensitivity to our children's needs. We continue to show that
sensitivity as our children grow. No matter what size your family is,
the idea behind parenting is to help children grow up; to produce adults.
As women and as mothers, we've all given this process a lot of thought.
As mothers in larger-than-typical families, parenting may take a bit
more organizational ability and a bit more delegating. When we are less
than organized, do a poor job of delegating, have a week of illness
or a "bad hair day," the results are more noticeable than
in smaller families. This doesn't make us bad mothers or disorganized
dimwits when it happens. Like anything else, sometimes it happens and
we get up and prepare for another day, doing the best we can with the
resources we have at hand.
Last updated Friday, October 27, 2006 by njb.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:30:27 UTC 2007.
