Doing the Unthinkable
Deb Whiting
Haddonfield NJ USA
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 19 No. 6, November-December 2002, pp. 211
When I was three months pregnant,
my husband and I were invited over to a friend's house. The conversation
started with talk of children and progressed to philosophies of parenting.
The hostess said she thought that mothers should stay at home with their
children. Then, much to my surprise, my husband agreed. I was furious.
Although we hadn't talked about it, I thought he knew I didn't want
to stay home when we had children. I had worked very hard during my
PhD and post-doctoral training to get my university tenure-track job,
which provided great colleagues, motivated students, and lots of variety
in each day. I genuinely looked forward to every day at work.
If anyone had told me that
a little over a year later I would quit this wonderful job, sell our
new home in Maine, USA and move in with my parents in New Jersey, USA
I would have laughed at the absurdity of such an idea.
But after having Becca, everything
changed. I had never felt such an all-consuming love and need to protect.
Her crib went untouched as she nestled between my husband and me at
night. During the day, she was either at my breast or in someone's arms.
My mother stayed with us for the first few months so the transition
back to work wouldn't be as hard. After she went home to New Jersey,
we began sending Becca to day care. I felt uneasy about leaving my baby
with someone I didn't know, but I kept thinking she and I would become
accustomed to it.
It didn't get easier or feel
any better. I found myself dropping her off later and later, and picking
her up earlier and earlier. And even though she was in day care just
a short amount of time each day, she had ear infections on a regular
basis. How could my meetings at work possibly be more important than
being with my daughter? Despite the great support I received from my
boss and colleagues, I began to resent the job I had loved.
During one particular phone
call with my parents, I tearfully confessed that no one had told me
leaving my baby was going to be so hard. My father suggested that my
husband, Phil, transfer his medical residency post down to New Jersey,
and that we live with them until Phil finished his residency in order
to afford to have me stay at home. Much to everyone's surprise, including
our own, we jumped at the offer. Once we made the decision, everything
fell into place. Our house sold in one day. Phil found a good program
to transfer into, and one of his medical school classmates transferred
into his vacant position. I gave notice and matter-of-factly said goodbye.
It's been a year since we
moved in with my parents. We've all done amazingly well together. Becca
loves having so many people around, especially me. Phil is now chief
resident and has a dramatically shorter commute each day. My parents
have traded their privacy for the joy of having their granddaughter
grow up in front of their eyes. It seems fitting that Becca's first
sentence was "I see Pop-Pop."
Though I do miss my friends
from work and the joy of connecting with students, this year has been
incredibly satisfying. Watching my beautiful, joyful daughter absolutely
thrive, and knowing my husband and parents are such an integral part
of Becca's life, reassures me that we made a great decision for our
family.
Last updated Friday, October 27, 2006 by njb.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:30:24 UTC 2007.
