Book Reviews
200 Ways to Raise a Girl's Self-Esteem
by Will Glennon
Conari Press, 1999
Softcover, 272 pages
200 Ways to Raise a Boy's Emotional Intelligence
by Will Glennon
Conari Press, 2000
Softcover 272 pages
Reviewed by Stephanie Mattei
New Jersey USA
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 19 No. 5, September-October 2002, pp. 183
In current theories of child
development, self-esteem is high in girls during early childhood, and
then plummets at puberty. Boys undergo two separate crises: the first
one at about age five or six and the second one at puberty. For them,
the process of "fitting in" triggers a progressive distancing
from their inner emotional world and a weakening of their bonds with
those they love.
These different crises mean
that girls need a strong self-image to get them through the early and
mid-teen years, and that boys need to grow with their emotional centers
undamaged and accessible. Will Glennon, in these easy-to-read, easy-to-use,
and well-organized books, clearly communicates how parents can empower
their children to weather these transitions.
"Discipline, love, and
self-esteem are all connected," Glennon explains. Children need
to feel fully loved, even when they are being corrected. Loving guidance
is all about finding a balance between permissiveness and rigidity.
Simple ways to do that, writes Glennon, are to give reasons behind rules,
develop reasonable expectations, and make sure that children never feel
that they are a disappointment.
The author explains misbehavior
as a cry for help. Basically, misbehavior is a failure of self-concept
or self-understanding. For example, a misbehaving daughter may be unable
to see herself as capable. Rather than being harsh with her, her parents
need to help her believe in her own competency. In contrast, boys may
misbehave due to an inability to express their hidden emotions. Boys
are not genetically out of control!
Wording makes a difference.
Rather than using admonitions such as "be nice" or "be
a good girl," we can help girls create healthy boundaries by teaching
them the difference between respectful assertiveness and plain submissiveness.
With boys, we need to dwell patiently with their feelings before helping
them address the issue that upset them in the first place. Once we dealt
with our children's feelings in a compassionate way, we can respectfully
let them know how their behavior affected our emotions.
Boosting integrity includes
inspiring girls to be true to themselves, and strengthening them never
to give themselves away sexually or emotionally. When dealing with boys,
integrity needs to be understood in terms of inner strength. Comments
regarding our boys' physical strength should be totally avoided as all
too often they are translated as violence and anger.
Glennon calls for a keen
assessment of the roles we model to our children as spouse and parent.
As women, we need to address our own self-esteem issues: do we model
self-worth by taking care of ourselves, honoring our interests and our
friends, celebrating our bodies, and cultivating our inner beauty?
Do fathers concretely get
involved with the care of their children, take their children's emotional
needs seriously, and show respectful behavior for women at all times?
Do they clearly communicate their love; own up to their mistakes and
apologize; admit they do not know all the answers; and recognize that
they also need help sometimes? A father himself, Glennon reminds other
fathers that weakness, pain, and sadness are gifts to be experienced
rather than feelings to be avoided.
Parenting is very much like
coaching: asking good questions is essential. "How do you feel?"
helps keep awareness of the inner emotional world. "What do you
think?" invites discrimination. "What do you want?" aims
at clarity of mind. "How will you get it?" empowers children
to set goals. "How realistic is it?" carves up the difference
between reality and fantasy. "What will be the consequences of
what you do?" promotes thinking of the future.
The balance between pushing
our children and over-protecting them is found in discriminating between
the comfort zone (which does not foster growth), the stretch zone (which
invites growth), and the danger zone (which is hazardous). Glennon reinforces
what we have so often heard at La Leche League Series Meetings: helping
a child to become independent does not entail forced separation, but
requires emotional support and, indeed, reinforcement of the emotional
bond, although some may see that as paradoxical.
Both books are excellent
for parents with children of all ages, and especially for those who
want to equip their children in advance for the critical periods of
school age and puberty. They are invaluable reminders that being a parent
is more than an overwhelming job: it is a sacred undertaking, a privilege,
and a miracle.
Last updated Friday, October 27, 2006 by njb.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:30:42 UTC 2007.
