Bring Out the Best in Your Child & Yourself
Carissa Dollar
Indianapolis IN USA
Report on a session from the 2003 LLLI Conference
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 20 No. 5, September-October 2003, pp. 180
How can we relate better
to our children? How can we do a better job of staying cool when they
are pushing our buttons? How can we achieve an attitude of mutual respect
with our children? The first step is to accept two very basic principles.
- Principle One:
children have an innate drive to express their best selves-to develop
their highest potential.
- Principle Two: children depend on us to help them.
Once we have embraced these
basic ideas, we must explore our own "three Levels of Self,"
according to Ilene Val-Essen, author of Bring Out the Best in Your
Child and Yourself and creator of the Quality Parenting program.
This will help us recognize how we sometimes "lose-it" and
help us to remain calm and centered when we are under stress.
First, there is the Lower
Self. The Lower Self is a person's least evolved self. The Lower Self
suffers from low self-esteem, often behaves in a robot-like fashion,
behaves predictably but not productively, and is motivated by instincts
and drives.
The Centered Self is a person's
competent self and enjoys high self-esteem. The parent who is in the
Centered Self knows herself and recognizes personal rights and needs
of herself and her children. She thinks before acting, pays attention
to her own behavior, and makes changes when necessary. She has effective
interpersonal skills.
The Higher Self is when we
are at our highest and best. The Higher Self enjoys ultra-high self-esteem,
experiences meaning and purpose in life, helps others learn and grow,
acts competently even under the most difficult circumstances, and recognizes
the highest and best in others.
As we examine these three
levels of self, we must each ask ourselves, "What is that part
of myself that most interferes with a positive relationship with my
child?" It may help to get creative at this point and draw a picture
of our Lower Self. We must each get to know our sub-personality. How
does it look and act? How does it feel? How does it think? Suggest giving
the sub-personality a name, such as "Frenzied Franny." Recognizing
the characteristics of our Lower-Self and knowing when we may slip can
help us turn things around.
Ilene recommends the following
three-step process to parents:
1. Recognize the Lower-Self.
2. Cross the bridge to the Centered-Self.
3. Express the Centered-Self.
In order to find our Centered-Self,
Ilene believes we must each develop and strengthen our own will to remain
calm and centered in times of stress. Attitude is a point of view, which
is shown both verbally and non-verbally. Non-verbal communication is
most important when we relate to our children because 93 percent of
what most people pay attention to is non-verbal. Parents need to stay
aware of their own verbal and non-verbal reactions in order to foster
an attitude of mutual respect with their children. It may help for us
to keep in mind that children are as unhappy with their Lower-Self behavior
as we are. We need to realize that when our children are in their own
Lower-Self, it is really a cry for our help. Unfortunately, when our
children slip into their Lower-Self, we often slip into a similar place
along with them. We must learn to realize we have a choice in how we
behave. This will help us raise children with high self-esteem who can
be in their Centered-Self more often.
Some parents may find relaxation
exercises helpful in crossing the bridge to the Centered-Self. Ilene
recommends finding a comfortable sitting position and closing your eyes
before performing the following exercise three times.
Step 1: Inhale slowly for
six counts. Breathe in slowly as you visualize lifting tension from
your solar plexus in an imaginary elevator. Raise this energy up to
your loving heart and then into your wise head.
Step 2: Hold your breath
for eight counts. Imagine the energies from your heart and head fusing
and filling your head with love and wisdom.
Step 3: Exhale for six counts.
Allow the energy of loving wisdom to radiate forth from you, filling
the room with calm and tranquility.
Step 4: Pause for eight counts.
Affirm what you did: raising tension from your solar plexus through
the loving heart and wise head to create the energy of loving wisdom.
When you have crossed the
bridge to your Centered-Self, then you may find it easier to express
your thoughts and feelings appropriately. It helps to water the flowers
and not the weeds, recognizing the positive things our children do each
day. If we constantly support them for their positive behavior using
assertive appreciation it will be easier to set limits and let them
know when things aren't working well for us.
Last updated 11/17/06 by jlm.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:29:42 UTC 2007.
