I Always Wanted to Breastfeed
Trisha Lawrie
OH USA
From New Beginnings, Vol. 25 No. 5, 2008, p. 18
In October 2007, I gave birth to my daughter, Cameron Jane. I was in the hospital two days before delivering her by cesarean section after induction drugs, an epidural, and hours of pushing. I was simply exhausted, and couldn't go on. I did not get to see my baby for several hours after her birth, and immediately I tried to nurse her. I didn't manage to as I could barely hold her and had no idea what I was doing. There was no one there to help me.
I had great difficulty in the hospital, and even greater difficulty nursing her once I was home. We struggled for several weeks, going back and forth between breast and bottle because she simply wasn't eating. I developed a major infection in my incision and had to have it reopened. I was given strong antibiotics to combat the infection and, after a few days, Cameron began having diarrhea. When I took her to the doctor, he advised me to stop nursing until I was finished with the antibiotics, as she clearly wasn't tolerating them. I listened, not knowing any better. Unfortunately, after several days of not nursing her, she began to prefer the bottle and, try as I might, she would not take my breast again. Even when I brought her near my breast, she screamed. I was in such a panic because nursing my child was truly important to me.
After resigning myself to the likelihood that she would be a bottle-fed baby, I went into a depression. I felt like such a failure for not being able to breastfeed my baby. Each time I made a bottle, just looking at the powdery substance I was feeding my child made me cry. How did this happen?
I decided about six weeks later to try to relactate. I contacted my local La Leche League Leader and attended a meeting. I got some very good advice on how to bring my milk back in, and how to encourage Cameron to latch on again. I began pumping every few hours every day. I took herbs and drank a special tea, took baths with Cameron to get her used to being near my breasts again, and generally worked hard for about a month. No matter what I tried, I simply could not get Cameron interested in my breast. She screamed, fought me, and was beside herself if I even attempted to put my breast in her mouth. I gave up again. I remained depressed and every time I looked at my breasts I was reminded of what they weren't doing.
After another month, I decided to try again. You can't believe how much I wanted this! I followed the same routine, except this time I pumped even more frequently. I thought that if I could just get my milk in and pump for her, I would resign myself to feeding her my milk through a bottle so at least she'd be getting my milk. But my milk wouldn't come in unless she suckled, and she refused. I finally gave up for good.
My daughter is now nine months old and, thankfully, she is healthy and smart. I still mourn the loss of my dream, but I have accepted what is.
I am now pregnant with my second child and am looking forward to breastfeeding this time. With my knowledge and experience, nothing will stand in my way.
Page last edited Mon Jun 08 19:28:30 UTC 2009.
