1999 LLLI Conference Sessions:
Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles
By Gina Gile-Maves
Honolulu HI USA
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 16 No. 5, September-October 1999, p. 162
From the moment she began,
Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, a self- described energetic extrovert, kept the
audience at her session "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles"
interested and attentive. "This was one of my favorite sessions,"
said Julie Shivel, a North Carolina mother of two. Kurcinka presented
parents with tools for avoiding and coping with the power struggles
that can occur while raising children. Her central message, that parents
should work toward building connections to their children, was masterfully
illustrated with slides, handouts, and participation from audience members.
"I thought she really explored the roots of power struggles, not
just described them," said Becky Oxley, a mother of four from Japan.
"Once she explored them, she gave suggestions for solving them
and understanding each other better."
According to Kurcinka, when
parents work with a child to understand misbehavior and then address
it respectfully by setting appropriate limits, they form positive connections
with their child. When parents offer only consequences and punishment,
a "disconnection" happens between the parent and child. Connections
help "wire" children in a way that will help them as they
face adversity while growing up.
To illustrate this concept,
Kurcinka asked three adults from the audience to come to the front of
the room and hold a lit birthday candle to represent three children
who had misbehaved. She then stood behind each one and described different
misbehaviors and a possible reaction from parents. With the first child,
the parents discussed the misbehavior, exploring why it had happened,
and supported the child through the consequences appropriate to his
actions. Kurcinka told the "child" to blow out his candle
and moved on to the second child. She explained that this child had
bitten someone and was sent to his room. When this child tried to blow
out his candle, it kept re-lighting as Kurcinka moved on to the third
"child." The third child's misbehavior was hitting. Again,
the child was punished with no discussion. The third child's candle
also kept re-lighting.
The point was that if a connection
is made with the child and the child is lovingly supported and his actions
are understood, then he will move on from the experience. If a disconnection
takes place, the same issues will keep coming up again, just as the
candles kept re-lighting despite the children's efforts to blow them
out.
In another illustration,
Kurcinka asked audience members to change seats, having extroverts move
to one side of the room and introverts move to the other side. After
listing the characteristics of each type (extroverts think out loud
and derive energy from being with others, while introverts say little
but think much and derive energy from being alone), Kurcinka asked each
side to tell what things bothered them about the other side. It was
humorous (as well as telling) to see the extroverts' hands fly up while
the introverts thoughtfully considered their answers. The point of the
exercise was to show the audience that when parents and children have
different temperaments, there may be power struggles. Acknowledging
and accepting differences in personality can circumvent many relationship
difficulties.
Kurcinka was an excellent
speaker who left her audience wanting more. In fact, her session lasted
right up to the last minute and it appeared that she could have gone
on for a long time. She is an extrovert, you know.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:29:41 UTC 2007.
