Book Review
How Weaning Happens
Diane Bengson
La Leche League International, 1999
Softcover, 156 pages
Available from the LLLI Online Store
Reviewed by Diane Beckman
Cary NC USA
From: NEW BEGINNINGS, Vol. 16 No. 5 September October 1999 pp. 186-187
It was well worth the wait!
HOW WEANING HAPPENS, the latest installment in the authoritative series
of LLLI publications on breastfeeding has arrived. LLLI's publishing
history began in 1958 with the publication of the first edition of THE
WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING, a guide to the entire course of mothering
through breastfeeding. In 1980, Norma Jane Bumgarner boldly sailed into
the uncharted world of toddler nursing with MOTHERING YOUR NURSING TODDLER.
Dr. William Sears opened our eyes to THE FUSSY BABY and NIGHTTIME PARENTING
in 1985. La Leche League Leader Diane Bengson accepted the challenge
of tackling the universal subject of weaning, a part of every breastfeeding
relationship. HOW WEANING HAPPENS offers breastfeeding mothers excellent
resources for facing this inevitable, sometimes mysterious, and often
challenging rite of passage.
La Leche League's approach
to weaning is very different from the conventional view that weaning
is something abrupt and painful that one must do to a baby to push him
into the next stage of maturity. HOW WEANING HAPPENS presents weanings
that are gentle, gradual, and natural. "Weaning can be seen as
a lesson in trust. Trusting that your child will wean when he's ready
is an act of faith, as is trusting that you and your child can find
gentle, acceptable ways to wean."
The Founders of La Leche
League recognized that mother-to-mother support was a powerful way
to help mothers to breastfeed. This holds true for weaning as well.
Many mothers devote a great deal of thought to weaning. This book shares
many of those thoughts—the happy and sad stories—through more than
60 mothers' stories. These detailed stories are the heart of this book,
offering the authenticity that comes only from mothers who speak from
experience.
Every page is a testament
to what makes La Leche League's approach unique. Here you'll find a
complete list of advantages of extended nursing and gradual weaning.
Bengson demystifies weaning, explaining what it is—a cooperative venture
that recognizes the needs of both mother and baby—as well as what
it isn't: "This book does not view weaning as the primary way to
solve problems in the mother-child relationship. Instead this book will
help you recognize the value of nursing in your life and your child's,
and help you to find creative and personal answers to the challenges
you face."
Above all, HOW WEANING HAPPENS
recognizes that weaning is a process, not an event. It starts when a
baby takes anything besides breast milk by mouth. Gradually, the baby
finds other activities and pleasures to meet the needs that were once
met exclusively by nursing. The weaning process may extend over months
or years and over many stages of a child's development. Leaders often
say, "Watch the baby, not the clock," about how often you
nurse your baby. In the case of weaning, the slogan might translate
to, "Watch the baby, not the calendar." As one mother in the
book observed, "Weaning is not about logic or charts or time. Weaning
is about readiness. I only know this because I can see that my baby
is not ready to wean. She hasn't shown me at all that she is ready to
wean, and she is the one person whose opinion on this subject counts."
Bengson's focus on developmental
readiness lends credibility to the book's vision of weaning: "Natural
weaning isn't about being the mother who nurses the longest or about
entirely denying your own needs and limitations. Setting guidelines
is a natural, necessary part of all aspects of your child's life as
she grows older." The mother's role in lovingly guiding a child
towards readiness is clearly recognized.
My favorite chapter in the
book is the fifth, "Gently Encouraging Weaning." It is filled
with the collective wisdom of women who have "been there."
There is a helpful list of signs that a child is ready for weaning and
pages of creative examples of distractions and substitutions. Often
mothers who are troubled about weaning feel stuck or have run out of
ideas. This chapter is full of mother-tested ideas that respect the
needs of both partners in the weaning process.
It can be hard to balance
the needs of mother and child in the cooperative venture of weaning.
Many mothers find themselves thinking about weaning before the child
is ready, while others experience disappointment when their baby or
toddler initiates weaning earlier than expected. Things grow even more
complicated when the rest of society weighs in. An entire chapter is
devoted to "Pressure to Wean." It helps mothers deal with
criticism or misinformation from others. The chapter on "Weaning
Because of Medical Advice" is equally useful and presents information,
resources, and enlightening questions to ask when a health care provider
suggests weaning.
HOW WEANING HAPPENS does
an excellent job of portraying the advantages of natural weaning. Bengson
also has the courage to recognize that weaning can be hard emotional
work. HOW WEANING HAPPENS respects mothers by addressing both the positive
and negative sides of extended nursing: "Being aware of and honest
about your own needs is the best way to avoid feeling burned-out or
put upon by a nursing toddler." "Extended nursing isn't about
being a martyr or feeling powerless in your nursing relationship . . .
Instead of seeing nursing (or not nursing) as a power struggle to be
won or lost, consider that your child is asking to nurse in order to
get his needs met." Bengson helps the reader sort out whether taking
a more active role in weaning will be worthwhile. There is a useful
section about how weaning should not be expected to change your child's
other behaviors, such as eating patterns or night-waking. Chapter 10
also takes us into a new arena: concrete advice for what to do when
weaning doesn't go well.
The book ends on a positive
note, reminding us that breastfeeding is only one aspect of the mother-child
relationship. As one mother expresses it: "We are still very close.
I realize that nursing did not equal mothering. I am still his mother
and we are still attached." A satisfying weaning is as precious
as the beautiful bond of breastfeeding. HOW WEANING HAPPENS will help
many mothers achieve this satisfaction.
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