Helping Mothers When You Have Strong Feelings about Their Choices
Jill Whelan
Indianapolis, Indiana, USA
From: LEAVEN, Vol. 34 No. 6, December 1998 - January 1999, p. 130
Imagine that you are leading
a Series Meeting. The participants are a mix of mothers: some are attending
their first meeting, some have been attending regularly for several
meetings. During introductions, the mother of a four-month-old says,
"My husband and I just got back from a wonderful trip to Florida.
We had a whole week to ourselves! Jessie stayed with my mother and got
along just fine."
You see new mothers looking
at her with envy. A Leader Applicant and several Group workers look
shocked. Your heart skips a beat. How could anyone leave such a young
baby for a week? And what will you say in response?
Our greatest challenges as
Leaders often come when mothers make choices that are in conflict with
LLLI philosophy or our own personal feelings. Many Leaders have a hard
time helping mothers who have chosen lengthy or frequent separation
from their young babies, choose to let their babies cry at night, choose
to wean very early. Accepting and respecting a mother's choices when
our own convictions are strong can leave us feeling uncomfortable. Are
we agreeing with a mother's actions by accepting them? Will new mothers
at the meeting be confused about what LLL believes? How will the longtime
Group members respond?
It is equally challenging
in telephone-helping situations to respond to a mother whose choices
differ from our own. We no longer have to worry about others hearing
our response and the mother will not see a look of dismay on our face,
but we may worry about conveying warmth and acceptance without the benefit
of face-to-face contact.
Consider the following statements
from mothers. How would you respond? You might want to jot down your
responses for reference later on in the article.
1. I don't think it's a good
idea to nurse Ben to sleep. How will he ever learn to fall asleep without
me? 2. I'm going crazy after six months at home with my baby. My whole
life is so different! I really think it would be best for both of us
if I went back to work. 3. Sally is so shy and clingy for a two-year-old.
She still bursts into tears if I leave the room! Going to preschool
a couple of days a week will be good for her.
In situations like these
using reflective listening, one of the basics of Human Relations Enrichment
(HRE), is important. By listening carefully to what a mother is saying
and reflecting the feeling behind her words, we can focus on her
feelings rather than our own. We can acknowledge her feelings without
agreeing with her point of view. Our empathetic response shows respect
for the mother and her ability to make choices. The mother feels accepted.
When she feels accepted and supported, she will be more likely to continue
to attend LLL meetings and call with her questions. She will be more
likely to be receptive to the information and suggestions she hears.
Perhaps she will come to accept LLLI philosophy wholeheartedly sometime
in the future; perhaps not.
It is helpful to remember
that Leaders are not responsible for changing a mother's mind. Our job
is to share accurate information and the experiences of other breastfeeding
mothers; it is each mother's responsibility to make her own choices
according to her unique situation.
Let's go back to the meeting
situation at the beginning of the article. A Leader's attending behavior
is very important here. A relaxed and open attitude, eye contact, smile
and warm tone of voice will put everyone at ease. One possible response
to the mother might be:
You feel pleased that the
week seemed to go well for all three of you.
When you respond in this
way, the mother is not judged for her choices, nor have you given approval.
You have stated how she feels about her experience and why. A shift
in eye contact to the next person in the circle will encourage introductions
to continue without further discussion of this mother's situation. During
the meeting there may be a chance to tactfully offer alternatives to
leaving a baby behind. At that time new mothers will have an opportunity
to hear about meeting baby's needs by keeping him close as an option
to consider.
When responding to a mother
over the phone, it can be helpful to take a deep breath, relax your
body and smile as you would if she were sitting beside you in order
to keep your voice warm and friendly. When you establish rapport with
a mother first, she will be more receptive to the information and options
that you share.
Now let's return to the three
sample statements by mothers. What is each of these mothers feelings?
Did the response you wrote down include a feeling word? A possible response
for each situation might be:
1. You seem concerned that
by nursing Ben to sleep you're preventing him from learning to fall
asleep on his own. 2. You're unhappy that becoming a mother has brought
changes in the activities and lifestyle you enjoyed before. 3. You feel
anxious because Sally seems to behave differently than other two- year-olds
and you think that preschool might help her overcome these behaviors.
When you find yourself caught
up in your negative feelings, it is helpful to use reflective listening
in order to respond with empathy. With this skill to fall back on in
tough situations you have a starting point, time to gather your thoughts
and focus on the mother while putting your personal feelings out of
the way. A mother may continue to explore her feelings with you if she
thinks she has been heard and understood. During your conversation with
her, you may be able to offer suggestions or options that she may not
have thought of. And you can feel confident that you have done your
job as a Leader by accepting and respecting her and the choices she
has made.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:32:13 UTC 2007.
