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When Home Base Changes: Loving Guidance in a Time of Change
Meg Sondey
Torreon Coahuila Mexico
From: LEAVEN, Vol. 40 No. 6, December 2004 - January 2005, pp. 126-27.
When our babies were born,
nothing comforted them more than being held securely in our arms, surrounded
by the smells and physical sensations of our bodies, satisfied by our
milk, and confident in the knowledge that this "home base"
would be there forever. But, as our babies and toddlers grow older,
this concept of "home" grows beyond our arms. "Home"
begins to refer to a physical location where the family eats and sleeps;
it means a neighborhood of friends and neighbors with whom they play
and talk; it means a familiar school, familiar stores, and familiar
routines. But what happens when this "home" needs to change?
What happens when family circumstances mean a move across state, across
the country, or even across the world, perhaps to a different culture?
Recently, my family made
the move from the United States to Mexico—a country we had never
visited with a language that none of us knew. In thinking about this
move and how our family accomplished it, I realize that some of the
most useful concepts that I brought to this transition stemmed from
the idea of loving guidance—the acceptance of capabilities and
sensitivity to feelings—as well as the skills I had practiced in
Communication Skills training. Some of us will experience a family move
that affects both our personal lives and our LLL work or we may meet
mothers and families who have moved. In either case, some of what I
experienced and learned in this transition may help others.
"Accepting capabilities"
of the members of my family was crucial when many of us felt that our
world was changing in ways we could not control, or in ways with which
we disagreed. At first, I had difficulty understanding why my children
were insistent on bringing so many of their personal possessions. Yet,
when I thought about it further, I recognized that this was their way
of making their new living spaces "home." If they couldn’t
remain in Mentor, Ohio, USA, they could at least bring the items from
their rooms there! Although I had the capacity to leave some (but not
all!) of my personal items in storage, they were not yet capable of
that. Once I understood why they were so insistent, it was much easier
for me to have more fruitful discussions with them about their new home.
Equally important was an
acceptance of the capabilities of my spouse and other family members.
My spouse, for instance, was involved in the construction and management
of a new production facility, a very difficult task, so I had to undertake
much of the detail work for the move. Had I not recognized the incredible
pressure being placed upon his shoulders, I might have insisted that
he take more responsibility in areas for which he actually had little
time.
Most critical, however, was
accepting my own capabilities. I needed to accept that I could not control
everything about this move, that I would not accomplish it all without
some difficulty and challenges, and that I was still a fine Leader and
person, even if every detail did not work out to my initial satisfaction.
As Leaders, we may meet mothers
in our Groups who need to be reminded at these times that they are doing
a fine job during a difficult time of their lives. Sometimes these mothers
may not only need personal reassurance and support, but also assistance
in very practical ways. Depending upon the nature of the move and the
degree of change, Leaders can offer mothers everything from a sympathetic
ear using the compassionate listening skills learned during Communication
Skills sessions to practical information about local stores and neighborhoods.
After a big move, one of the first things that Leaders often do is search
for an LLL Group in the new location. In my case, it was with great
joy that I met Doralee and Lourdes, the Leaders of the local Group in
Torreon, Coahuila, Mexico. Just making their acquaintance and knowing
that there would be a group of women who also appreciated LLL philosophy
near me made my transition to our new residence so much easier!
Besides understanding the
capabilities of family members, it is critical to accept the feelings
of each of them. Depending upon the age and nature of the children involved,
these feelings may be expressed in a number of ways, some of which may
be initially shocking because they may seem out of character, or even
counter family values or expectations. Remaining calm and focused as
these situations occur is critical. Once again, recalling the skills
used during Communication Skills sessions can be helpful.
"I hate you!" my
daughter once said as we had yet another discussion about our upcoming
move. I could have been shocked and could have reacted. Instead, I chose
to reflect her feelings.
"You are really angry
that we have to leave our house in Ohio, leave your friends, and move
to a place you have never seen."
"Yes, I am," she
replied, and the conversation continued.
Other children may not use
words at all. In the case of my son, he has some communication challenges
and often cannot find the words to express himself, or is unable to
express himself in words. Behavior can change, sleeplessness can become
chronic, bickering among siblings may increase—all of which may
just be ways that the child is reacting to feelings or distress. In
those instances, we may need to help the child find the words or express
the feelings so that we can come up with resolutions to whatever difficulties
are bothering them.
Again, as Leaders, it may
be helpful to remind mothers in our Groups who are in these situations
that much of our communication is nonverbal. It helps to pay attention
to such behaviors and try to determine what it is the child is having
difficulty communicating. Recalling "feeling words" and thinking
about various emotions that are felt during these times can often assist
both the mother and children to begin discussions to acknowledge these
feelings and then develop more appropriate ways to handle them.
Finally, it is important
that we acknowledge our own feelings about the situation. Sometimes
we may feel excited, exhilarated, and thrilled about a family move.
Other times we may be frightened, resentful, and even angry. Often these
feelings can occur in the same person and about the same transition.
Our own feelings may change from hour to hour, or day to day. There
may be times that we can’t believe that we are on such a wonderful
adventure, yet there might be times when we find ourselves sobbing quietly
by ourselves. Acknowledging that this is normal and then finding appropriate
ways to handle this complex mixture of feelings in ourselves is critical.
Sharing feelings with compassionate
friends and family members often helps. Leaders supporting co-Leaders
or Group mothers in this situation may find that active listening skills
are key. Brainstorming possible solutions is helpful, and some families
may find that family meetings or discussions about the move may be important
at this time.
Once the physical move is
accomplished, the work is not over. Settling into a new location involves
another set of challenges and feelings. However, if we have honed our
communication skills during the initial transition time and worked to
recognize the capabilities and feelings of all those involved, we now
have improved tools to use as we meet new challenges and new adventures
and create a new "home base" for our families.
And soon we may once again
find that our new "home base" is filled with smells and sounds
that comfort us, with people whom we love, and we are surrounded by
new friends who are there to listen and to share as we explore our new
home base. And through it all, loving guidance has been the key!
Meg Sondey and her husband
of 17 years have two children, Evangeline (13) and Jacob (12). Having
spent most of her life in Ohio, USA, she and her family have recently
moved to Torreon, Coahuila, Mexico for the next three to five years.
Meg is an LLL Communications Skill Development facilitator and works
actively with the Alumnae Association as well as being a Leader with
her local Group. Nan Vollette is the Contributing Editor for "Helping
Mothers."
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:31:47 UTC 2007.
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