Couples Meetings: Including the Breastfeeding Father
Ro Killory-Andersen
Melrose, Massachusetts, USA
From: LEAVEN: Vol. 31 No. 2, March-April 1995, p. 28
Interest in fathers has been
sparked by recent studies showing that partners sometimes harbor negative
feelings and misconceptions about breastfeeding. "I feel inadequate,"
says one father. "My wife breastfeeds and she's the only one who
can comfort our baby." Another father laments, "I feel as
though I don't have a wife any more. All she does is nurse the baby,
touch the baby and talk to the baby."
These fathers' feelings of
inadequacy and distance are common in the first year after a baby's
birth (see LEAVEN, July/Aug 1993, pp. 59-60).
While maintaining our primary commitment to mothers, Leaders can begin
to meet fathers' needs for information and support in several ways.
Breastfeeding information
and support can be offered in an informal way at a family social event.
Why not plan a potluck dinner, summer picnic or World Breastfeeding
Week Walk at a park or zoo. Fathers can meet other fathers and talk
with each other as they tend to their little ones.
If your Group prefers a more
formal meeting format, you could offer a special Series or one meeting
per Series to women and their partners. The Group could hold an extra
"Breastfeeding Basics" meeting for new parents or an extra
Couples Meeting in addition to the Series.
If you invite men to a Series
Meeting, it is essential to offer mothers an alternate women-only meeting.
One Acton, Massachusetts, USA, Leader offered a Series open to partners,
while her co-Leaders concurrently held a women-only morning Series.
Your Group could coordinate schedules with a nearby Group, too. See
THE NEW LEADER'S HANDBOOK,
p. 66 for guidelines.
LLL of Melrose, Massachusetts,
USA, holds a Couples Meeting each February in the Meeting 2 slot. We
publicize this meeting on our regular meeting notice with a short line
below the date and time: "partners are invited to attend this month."
Several members requested a Couples Meeting to introduce their partners
to other breastfeeding families and help them better understand baby's
and mother's needs. After the first meeting it became a regular part
of our meeting schedule.
Of course, a Couples Meeting
does not meet the needs of all mothers and some may be alienated by
it. The term "partner" rather than "husband" shows
sensitivity to the fact that families come in many different forms.
Mothers should be assured that they are welcome to attend alone or with
a grandparent or other support person.
The NEW
LEADER'S HANDBOOK suggests
that a private breastfeeding area be provided for mothers who prefer
it. Our Melrose Group sets up several chairs in an adjoining room, facing
away from the group. At one meeting, a Leader helped a new mother with
discreet breastfeeding techniques. Several other mothers joined them
and found an opportunity to ask questions they felt uncomfortable posing
in the mixed group.
Some fathers are wary of
LLL and don't quite understand why people would want to get together
to talk about breastfeeding. Other fathers may disagree with information
or ideas their partners heard at meetings. For these reasons it is important
to make a good first impression at Couples Meetings. A Leader's professional
and level-headed appearance as well as an introduction describing Leader
accreditation can help. LLLI's global influence, LLL publications, the
Professional Liaison Program and opportunities for continuing education
all demonstrate our credibility.
Keep in mind that mixed groups
communicate differently from women's groups. Our Group has found that
men usually save their questions until the meeting is well underway
rather than pose them during round-robin introductions. LLL of Danvers,
Massachusetts, asks fathers to introduce their families and tell how
the couple met. You might also try beginning discussion with a question
sure to elicit varied feelings such as, "How do you feel about
nursing in public?"
After the conversation gets
going, couples feel more comfortable raising questions they want to
explore. Our discussions have included nighttime parenting, nursing
in public, weaning, breastfeeding the older baby, finding time as a
couple, meeting baby's needs versus "spoiling," and substituting
other fathering activities rather than giving bottles.
As a Leader, you may be concerned
about the role your own husband plays at Couples Meetings. You may worry
whether he will present LLL philosophy as faithfully as you. A frank
discussion with your husband about your concerns might help you relax.
It might also be good for the Group to see that even a Leader's family
must "take what it needs and leave the rest."
You may be surprised at the
amount of breastfeeding support and knowledge Leaders' husbands share
at Couples Meetings. Your husband might be the best one to answer, "How
can I be close to my baby if I can't feed him?" To a man's ears,
another man's answer may mean more than a woman's, even if she is the
Leader.
Some Leaders' husbands may
not attend Couples Meetings at all. Even that may help mothers who come
alone feel more at ease. It might encourage others to attend without
partners.
Experienced fathers often
jump in with support and ideas for the new parents. A brand-new father
came to one of our Group's Couples Meetings without his wife and baby
born just 24 hours before. His enthusiasm, excitement and eagerness
to do what he could to support his wife in breastfeeding their new baby
was contagious. The experienced dads that night benefited from hearing
this dad's story and questions.
Several couples who met at
our meetings now socialize regularly outside the Group. They found like-minded
friends who support them as they gather for barbecues, dinner and parties
where breastfed babies and their siblings are welcome.
As a Leader, you can get
to know families better through Couples Meetings. You gain insight into
what a woman's home life is like when you meet her partner. Several
times fathers have later approached me with questions, for example,
about nursing while pregnant. Because we had an established rapport,
they saw LLL as a reliable resource.
"LLL has been such a
positive influence for us," pronounced one father after a Couples
Meeting. "It has given us the confidence to parent from the heart."
Resources for Couples Meetings:
THE
NEW LEADER'S HANDBOOK, P. 66.
THE
WOMANLY ART OF BREASTFEEDING,
pp. 101, 195-200, 214-15.
"Fathers' Support of
Breastfeeding," LEAVEN, Jul/Aug 1993, pp.
59-60.
"Inviting Fathers to
Meetings," LEAVEN, Jul/Aug 1993, p. 61
Becoming a Father, William
Sears.
"The Breastfeeding Father,"
LLLI pamphlet No. 130
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:31:33 UTC 2007.
