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Book Review:
Nonviolent Communication
A Language of Life: Create Your Life, Your Relationships, and Your
World in Harmony with Your Values, 2nd edition
by Marshall
B. Rosenberg, PhD
Available from
LLLI No. 1320-7, $17.95 (Leader price $16.16)
Reviewed by
Stephanie Mattei
Folsom NJ USA
and
Louise Cox
Windsor CT USA
From: LEAVEN, Vol. 40 No. 5, October-November 2004, p. 109.
Nonviolent Communication
(NVC), also known as compassionate or empathetic communication, is about
communicating with love, even while resolving conflicts. In this readable
book, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg introduces a method of communication that
leads to, "a flow between ourselves and others based on a mutual
giving from the heart." NVC is based on the belief that all creatures
with hearts have feelings and needs; that we are "hard-wired"
to connect in loving and caring ways. During everyday conversation,
the empathetic manner of the NVC method can benefit all. Communicating
about problems or difficult subjects can be done in a way that is transforming
and healing.
While the model appears simple,
putting NVC into practice can be a challenge. NVC is a language paradigm
shift away from the right/wrong mindset and away from morality and judgments
to a language based on needs that all human beings share. NVC implements
observations, feelings, needs, requests (OFNR) while communicating.
There is no set pattern of speech as long as OFNR can be clearly communicated.
An example of a statement that incorporates OFNR is as follows: "I’m
scared when I see you hitting your brother because I need people in
the family to be safe. Would you be willing to talk to me when you don’t
feel so angry?"
NVC is based on empathetic
connection where a person feels we are present and really hear the feelings
being expressed either verbally or silently. If a child says, "Nobody
likes me," a connection can be shown through the listener’s
eyes and presence and/or words such as, "So, it sounds like you’re
really feeling sad because you aren’t having very much fun with
your friends." All people, especially when they are in pain, need
to feel they are being heard and understood, and need empathy. Advice
may be helpful only after they have received the empathetic connection.
In Western culture and society,
we often limit our emotional vocabulary to simple words such as good,
bad, sad, and mad. The chapter titled "Compassionate Communication"
has pages of feeling words that better communicate feelings. There are
two main categories of feelings we may experience: words that represent
feelings when our needs are being met, and words that represent when
we feel that our needs are not being met. It is important to note that
NVC is not just a communication method to use when initiating a discussion
about a problem; it is a method to use in everyday conversations.
This book provides helpful
suggestions for expressing gratitude effectively and how to simply formulate
an effective request (not a demand). Dr. Rosenberg explains that using
both of these components in our communication forms a genuine connection.
This book has many situational examples to illustrate the NVC method
and to explain and justify the reasons for the recommendations.
For example, Dr. Rosenberg
believes that some words have hidden messages—words that may create
defensiveness in the receiver. With NVC, a feeling word is used instead,
with the intent of creating more effective communication. Examples of
words with hidden messages that may create defensiveness are: abandoned,
attacked, rejected, blamed, left out, and ignored. This book recommends
that words such as lonely, scared, frightened, frustrated, or vulnerable
could be substituted more consciously with feeling words. The communicator
simply uses words to express the emotion that is felt, without using
terms to implicate the other person. This is important because the other
person may not have intentionally caused the communicator harm.
This book is a valuable resource
for any Group lending library. Mothers can use it at home. Leaders would
find it helpful in their communication as they help other mothers, working
with Leader Applicants, at their own Group meetings, and when communicating
with co-Leaders.
In order to be an effective
listener and communicator with others, one must be in touch with one’s
own feelings and needs. And this is the value of this book. It helps
the reader begin a process of clarity with themselves and provides a
way to maintain a genuine connection with others. Family, peers, professionals,
and children can benefit from using NVC.
Stephanie Mattei is the
mother of two boys, Giacomo and Simone. She has been an LLL Leader since
1999 and lives with her family in New Jersey, USA. Louise Cox became
a Leader in 1975 and has two children and two grandchildren. She is
an LLL Leader on Reserve and a member of LLLI Grievance Commission.
Louise and her husband reside in Connecticut, USA, where they are active
on the local level with NVC. Christine McNeil Montano is the Contributing
Editor for Leaven Book Reviews. She lives in Connecticut, USA with her
husband, Tony, and their sons, Jay and John.
Page last edited Sun Oct 14 09:32:23 UTC 2007.
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